On Mouth Washing and Other Parental Practices

Yesterday I read David Gets in Trouble by David Shannon to forty kindergarteners and not a single one of them knew why David had a bar of soap in his mouth on the page with the caption:  But Dad says it too!  Most of them thought he was in trouble for eating soap. I looked at the other two adults in the room and we realized that we were witnessing a historical moment:  Parents no longer threatened to wash their kids’ mouths with soap to stop them from using foul language.  And let me tell you, this particular public health practice is used on at least three continents that I know of.  This gives me hope that we as human parents are evolving.

Maybe the next things to go would be threatening them with being picked up by the police if they behave badly.  In fact, I wish we could just stop all threats, bribes and alternate explanations (a.k.a little lies).  All these practices are short term parenting strategies that 1) make us feel that we have addressed the situation and not allowed the child to “get away” with bad behavior, 2) get us out of an uncomfortable situation of having to reason and give explanations that are comprehensible to a little one and 3) with luck, will get immediate, albeit temporary compliance. 

I know what it's like.  I have been there.  We are at a friend's house.  The kids are playing nicely.  My children are being charming.  The adults are marveling at their wit and intelligence.   Then it comes time to go.  I know that dealing with change in one's plans is a test for some of them.  I know that I will be facing a volcano when I try to get them to leave.  So I come up with an alternate explanation. I tell them that the hosts have to leave to go somewhere else and there won't be anyone to play with anyway.  I am just  trying to preempt a scene of kicking and screaming and refusal to leave.  I am trying to spare the child, myself and the hosts an ugly and uncomfortable situation.  But in the process I am withholding from my child the opportunity to learn self-control and ultimately how to manage his own will to live a happy life.

I wish all children could walk around with an “under construction” sign on their backs so that we as parents could approach our job as builders of character and not managers of behavior.  Every tantrum, every strong expression of will, every push back on what is needed and appropriate is a human child’s opportunity to shape his character; to learn to be considerate of others, to control his will or to tell the truth.

And those of us who have either passed the stage of little-child rearing or don’t yet have children, we could hold our tongues and our judgments so that mother or father in the supermarket or at the restaurant, feels comfortable doing what is right and not what is expedient.  Because we all stand to benefit from parenting that builds character in the future adults that will run our world.

Poor, Pitiful Me by Carolyn

Most of the time I am fairly content and reasonably positive about my life. There are times, however, that I find myself feeling sorry for myself for a multitude of reasons big and small. Here is how it goes (read with whiny voice) :

Why do I have to get up so early to go to work? I hate getting up early. I would like to never, ever set my alarm and get to sleep as long as I want to every day.

Why can't I just buy whatever I want to? I work hard - I should have enough money left after I pay my bills to spend it on things I want without having to pinch pennies. Other people are able to buy things they want. I have been working for more than thirty years, for goodness sake!

Everybody I know went on vacation to some wonderful, exotic place this summer. I went to Fort Worth. I would like to be able to travel to _______ like ________ did (insert specifics). I am 56 years old! When will I get to travel the world?

There is nothing to eat in this house. I am too tired to go grocery shopping. I have worked a full day and I am pooped. I wish there was something appealing in the pantry or the refrigerator for me to eat. There are never any groceries in this house.

And speaking of houses, why can't I have a fancy big house like other people? I have a dinky little cookie-cutter house. I can practically reach out and touch my neighbors' walls. I want a beautiful house with nice furniture and lots of space so I can have people over. I deserve a nice house like ____________ (insert name of friends whose houses I envy). I need new furniture, but can't afford it. My furniture is ragged. Everything in my house is old and worn out. And a pool with a Jacuzzi wouldn't be bad either. Then a maid and gardener would be great too . . . 

I don't get to see my children and grandson enough. I miss them. They live too far away. Other people get to see their children and grandchildren as much as they want. 

Get the picture?

Here is what I should be thinking instead (and occasionally, actually do think) with a heart of gratitude:

Whoohoo! I get to get up and get started on my day! I have the physical and mental capabilities to get and keep a job and be self-supporting. I have the privilege of working in a job I love and find rewarding, in a beautiful building (with air conditioning!), with people who are friendly and supportive and passionate about what they do. Even better, I get to make a difference in the lives of children and therefore, the future of humanity. 

Lucky me! I make a good salary doing what I love to do (see entry above). I make enough money to own a home, pay my utility bills, buy the necessities, and treat myself a little (shoes and books, usually). No one controls my spending except me. I make the decisions about how to spend the money I work for (except for taxes, of course). If I run out of money before the end of the month, I have no one to blame but myself.

I didn't take a vacation this summer, but I have taken some in the past. I haven't been everywhere I want to go, not by a long shot, but I have had the privilege of visiting Ireland (twice), Hawaii (twice), the Pacific Northwest, the Caribbean, Mexico, New York City, Boston, Philadelphia, Santa Fe, and several less glamorous places. Even better, I have taken those vacations with family and dear friends, which makes every trip a cause for joy.

Hmmmm. I don't see anything exciting in the pantry or in the refrigerator. I have several choices. I can eat what is here (because even when there doesn't seem to be any food in my house, there is still actually A LOT of food in my house), or I can get into the reasonably nice, dependable, paid-for car that is just outside my house to drive about half a mile and buy almost any kind of food I want, or I can order something yummy to be delivered to my door with just a few taps on my phone or computer. I do not actually have any fear of starving to death.

My neighborhood is safe and pleasant; no sirens or screaming fights in the street or gunshots or drug dealers on the corner.  What a pleasure it is to come home to a sturdy, comfortable home with air conditioning (or heat).  After I turn on the lights and the ceiling fan, I want to get a cold drink out of the refrigerator and pour it over some ice which magically pops out of the freezer door.  I think I will stretch out on this comfy old couch and watch a little cable TV on the big screen. Or perhaps I will go out on my deck and lounge on the glider (or possibly on the hammock or the chair swing) and relax and enjoy the shade from my 39 trees. Wait, I might prefer a nice, relaxing bath in my garden tub where I can perfectly adjust the temperature of the hot and cold running water. Maybe a little bubble bath and a glass of wine . . .

I am so blessed to have two wonderful, healthy sons, a sweet daughter-in-law, and a beautiful, snuggly grandson. It is great that I get to be with them every now and then. We are so fortunate that we live within driving distance of each other, so we can visit sometimes. And, how wonderful that we can talk on the phone, or text, or email. We never need to be out of touch with each other, and I am so glad that they are still willing to give me their time when they can.  Even more fabulous, we usually actually like spending time together!

Bottom line: Life doesn't owe me anything. I am blessed in so many ways. I just need to remember that, especially when my alarm starts beeping early in the morning . . .

We All Look Alike

By Susan

My aunt and uncle were among the first Westerners to settle in China in the mid eighties when economic doors to foreign investment opened.  They lived in Dalian in northern China, almost on the border with North Korea.  In 1988, Ben and I got to spend a few days visiting them.  One day my aunt took us to visit an old Buddhist temple.  The care-taker remembered her from a previous visit so after greeting my aunt, he pointed to me and asked in Chinese where my baby was.  My aunt responded that we were not the same couple who had come out with her before.  Obviously, I had reminded the man of the last set of guests.  When we returned to the house, my aunt showed us some pictures of her friends who had visited them recently and among them was one of the woman who supposedly looked like me.  To my surprise, she looked nothing like me.  She had blond hair and much lighter skin.  At the time, I had dark hair and have what you would call olive skin.  During our time in China, I realized that we "foreigners" all looked the same to the Chinese.  People even thought my husband, who is of Anglo-Saxon decent, looked like me!

When I tell this story, most people are surprised.  How can anyone think that Ben and I look alike?  But aren't we all guilty of doing the same thing?  Haven't we heard remarks like that spoken about Asians or African Americans or Middle Easterners? That "they" all look alike?  It happens because we don't take the time to really see each other as individuals, as people just like ourselves.  We look at those whom we consider different from us as a lump; all bunched together, sometimes defined only by our prejudices and stereotypes.

The truth is prejudice is a disease.  And it is a contagious disease.  Whether we like it or nor, living in our fragmented world has affected all of us in how we see each other.  But just as in the flu season, when we take precautions to wash our hands and be aware of what we touch, we have to protect ourselves against this disease as well.  So when we catch ourselves thinking of "those people", we can stop and re-examine our thinking.  Ask ourselves: How much do I know about this person individually and how much do I think I know about his or her cultural background that may have influenced the behavior and beliefs that are different from mine? How would I like it if I was lumped together with every other person that belonged to my subset of humanity?  How would people who only know one thing about that subset judge me?

If prejudice is an infections disease, is it possible to inoculate ourselves against it?  I think education is the only effective vaccine for this disease.  And by that I mean an education that recognizes the need for diversity on one hand and the importance of identifying common human principals that we can all strive for, on the other; an education that teaches the minds and the hearts.  It is not easy, and it will take at least a couple of generations to see the results.  But it has taken many more generations to create this problem.  So there is no quick fix.  There are no short cuts.  We must step out of our comfort zones, take our blinders off and extend a genuine and sincere hand of friendship to ALL who cross our path and take the time to look at each other as human beings first.

We think of our tendency to stick to our own kind as human "nature".  It is really our human "weakness".  You can't fight nature but you can overcome a weakness.  We must help each other do this.  Otherwise, the consequences are grave for all of us.

Your P&P Guide to Life by Carolyn

I have told my friend and fellow writer, Susan, several times that I thought it was possible to find just the right words for almost any situation in life in the pages of Jane Austen's classic novel Pride and Prejudice, even though it was written about two hundred years ago. Let's give it a try . . .

When an older woman is spending too much time and effort on her own looks, possibly trying to look much younger than she is, you might say (as Mrs. Bennet did to her husband), "When a woman has five grown-up daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty." Someone else might follow that up (as Mr. Bennet did) with, "In such cases, a woman has often not much beauty to think of."

When despairing over the empty-headedness of a particular group of teenage girls, you might observe along with Mr. Bennet, although hopefully not about your own children, "They have none of them much to recommend them. They are all silly and ignorant like other girls."

When remarking upon how foolish, uninformed, and grouchy a certain female acquaintance is, you might justifiably comment, "She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper."

Not to be sexist, you could describe a particularly arrogant gentleman in this way: ". . . he is a most disagreeable, horrid man, not at all worth pleasing. So high and so conceited that there is no enduring him!"

And in commenting on the reason for your dislike of human beings in general, you might swear, "The insipidity and yet the noise; the nothingness and yet the self-importance of all these people!"

When extolling the virtues of a short courtship, you might remark, "Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other, or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life."

Perhaps you share this view of the dangers of too much feminine togetherness: ". . . For a whole day's tete-á-tete between two women can never end without a quarrel."

Are you one whose guiding rule is moderation? Or perhaps you are something of a couch potato? You can explain to others that you totally agree with Mary Bennet's philosophy: ". . . every impulse of feeling should be guided by reason; and, in my opinion, exertion should always be in proportion to what is required."

Well, what do you think? I only had to consult the first seven of the 61 chapters in Jane Austen's opus to find these gems of wit and wisdom. I daresay I could address every eventuality of life if I continued to search through the rest of the book!

Frustrated with Humanity by Andrea

frus·tra·tion

frəˈstrāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.

There is so much happening in America right now that my heart and head cannot fully comprehend. There are people hurting and disillusioned on every side of a dozen different issues plaguing our country.  The thing that saddens me most is no side seems to notice.  No one is listening to anyone whose voice or message differs from his or her own.  We are slowly being conditioned to hate one another for any number of "reasons".  The media is sensationalizing everything.  The politicians are trying to use every challenge to bolster their own agenda or discredit opponents.  Tensions are high, and trust is low.  Everybody has an opinion on what’s wrong with everyone else.  I feel as though I am trapped in a dystopian novel. This has to be The Matrix.   Frankly, I am tired and I have not even been "in the fight" like many people.  I’m frustrated with humanity.  I know I should be engaged with others, but my mind is a whirlwind of exasperation and disappointment.  If I did know what I want to say, I am not sure who will listen.   Some days the ache in my heart subsides a bit, then I log onto the internet. The battle rages anew as I stumble onto an article, news story or campaign by my social media contacts. There are some really egregious events and appalling attitudes circulating out there, and I am overwhelmed. I am despondent, angry, shocked.  I’m frustrated with humanity, but my idealistic heart won’t let me camp out in despair.  I must hold onto hope.

I just want people to love one another.  I want everyone to stop bickering and pandering and proselytizing.  I want everyone to stop staring and gawking and to start seeing.  When my friends are enduring something hard, I like to look directly into their eyes as I check up on them.  In their eyes I can often see what they may be feeling despite the words they say.  I find my own compassion, understanding and humanity in their eyes. When looking into the windows of another’s soul, I can more easily resist the urge to judge their story. I don’t simply hear their words, I feel with them. I can see the person, not my opinions and beliefs.  I see people who also have fears, hurts, hopes and drives.  I see them for more than what I think I know about them.  By seeing my friends, I know them better. And this works for friend and foe alike.  Abraham Lincoln was known to have said, “I don’t like that man.  I must get to get to know him better.”  Oh, if more of us would practice such wisdom today. By knowing one better, I can offer grace and empathy, even if we don’t see eye to eye on genuinely important matters.

The thing that is most important is the human being standing in front of me (or on the other side of the screen) who deserves to be heard and understood.  Even if I don’t agree.  It is so cliche, but seeing people affords us the opportunity to walk in one another’s shoes. Seek first to understand, then to be understood is a principle of successful leaders for a reason; it works. And if we all can do those two things, the harder it is to demonize or demoralize each other. It is less likely we will throw stones or minimize one another’s lived experiences.

If I really look to see people, then I cannot run away and hide as I have wanted to do over the last several weeks. I have to stay and fight for humanity- mine and "theirs".

Collected Wisdom

By:  Susan

My friend Estela used to tell me: Déjate querer, which in English means “let yourself be loved”.  She would say it when I would refuse her offer of help, while carrying a baby in one arm, stirring the pot with the other hand and holding the phone between my shoulder and ear.  What she meant by it was:  “Let others show you their love by being of service to you.  Yes, we all know you can do a lot all by yourself, but let us feel like we can be productive and helpful too.” 

Estela had other wise words.  As a matter of fact, I have had the blessing of knowing many wise people who have left me with words and thoughts that I use often in my own life and share with others.  Here is a sample of the wisdom I have collected so far:

1.  On good mothering:  One afternoon at around 6:00 pm I finished a batch of chocolate chip cookies and offered them to the children gathered at my house for a play date.  When I realized how close to dinnertime it was, I apologized to the other moms and said:  “What kind of a mother serves cookies to children right before dinner?”  Estela said: “Children need happy mothers, not perfect ones.” I wish I could go back and be a happier mother!  Now that my children are grown, I realize that no amount of mess and disorder is worth making a fuss over.  I wish I had asked myself what legacy I wanted to leave: happiness or an organized sock drawer.

2.  On having tough conversations:  My father used to say: “It’s best to turn red once than to pale over and over.”  In other words, it’s better to tell people the unpleasant truth and get it over with than get a knot in your stomach every time the subject comes up. 

3.  On dealing with tantrums:  My mother believes that some people need to be told to just cut it out when they are having a melt down, while others are really asking for a hug.  And this is not only for two year olds.  It is not a sign of weakness to just hold a person and sympathize with their inability to deal with the current frustration.  There will be plenty of time for reflection and guidance when the storm has passed.

4.  On judging character:  My friend Andrea says: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Good advice for when you are blinded by love.  Seeing the good in people doesn’t mean you ignore the fact that we are all battling with some flaw in our character. 

5.  On the passage of time:  My other friend Carolyn likes to say that time passes whether you sign up for that four year graduate program or not, so you might as well do it.  Four years ago seems like yesterday sometimes.  Imagine if we had done all the things we wanted to do but put them off because they seemed to take such a long time.

My favorite words comes not from a person I know but from a character in a movie.  In The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, the character Sonny likes to say: “Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.”  

What are your favorite words of wisdom?  Share them, so I can add them to my collection.

Recommended Reading

by Susan

At first they just chewed on them.  Our board book copies of Helen Oxenbury's The First Day of School and The Ballet Class were covered in teeth marks.  I even got a bathtub version of Peter Rabbit so it would stand up better to the wear. But we persisted and little by little they learned to turn the pages and not tear them.  Living outside of the United States, we had to invest in buying books. Grandparents were a great source of them.  My mother-in-law once arrived with a suitcase filled with dozens of Golden Books, one particular book of fairy tales from around the world and the entire collection of Beatrix Potter's stories.  We read at all hours of day and night.  I could recite Margaret Wise Brown's Good Night Moon by heart, because it was the book Kent had to hear before he went to sleep.  I looked forward to summer visits to my parents' house in College Station, where I would hit the public library every day to check out as many books as I could.  I myself had become an independent reader at about the age of five but my own children seemed to enjoy listening to me more than reading on their own.  I remember the day Miranda took on the responsibility of satisfying her own reading curiosity.  She was in the fourth grade.  We were traveling and I was reading one of the Hardy Boys books aloud to her.  At some point I had to stop.  She could not wait until the next opportunity for me to read to her because she wanted the mystery solved.  So she picked up the book and finished it by herself.  Safaa, on the other hand, started playing a mind game with me.  When I would encourage him to read on his own, he would tell me he hated reading!  He knew how much it meant to me to instill a love of reading in them and I was not about to let him off the hook.  One day I picked up a copy of one of the Magic Treehouse books and began reading silently but making comments out loud:  Wow! I can't believe that happened, Oh! No! don't do that!  Finally the curiosity got him as well and he snatched the book from my hands to read the story on his own.

Once we moved back to Texas, getting a library card was one of the first things we did.  The Cedar Park library has a great children's collections and we took full advantage of it.  We could get up to 35 titles at a time!  I was always surprised when I would overhear mothers tell their children that they were only taking three books today. Why?  It's free, why not take thirty five.  If you don't like them you can bring them back and get another thirty five.  That is how we read every single Dr. Seuss book.  That is how we came to know authors and series that we love to this day.  And then there were audiobooks, the best strategy for keeping the peace in the car when running errands or on long road trips.  We only ran into a problem once when the three year old Kent could not stand the voice of the reader of the Harry Potter books and we had to wait for him to fall asleep before we could listen to that story.

Before sitting down to write this post I asked all four of my children who are now 25, 22, 18 and 16, to send me a list of their favorite children's books.  Instead they sent me names of authors.  I realized that through reading they had made some special friends who had introduced them to ideas, adventures and language that neither of their parents or kids on the playground or teachers in their classrooms could have done.  Here is the list they sent me:

John Scieszka and his The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and Squids Will be Squids for their satirical take on traditional tales are Niku's favorite.  They all love Patricia Polacco and her stories that are inspired by her family.  We first met Tomie DiPaola on an episode of Barney and then again in person when he came to the Wildflower Center in Austin.  He is a prolific writer and his Strega Nona stories as well as the wildflower stories (The Legend of the Bluebonnet, The Legend of the Indian Paintbrush and the Legend of the Poinsettia) are Niku's favorites as well.  Another author/friend that is fondly remembered is Kevin Henkes with his mice characters that reenact life as a kindergartener in such beautiful language and always with a good resolution.  And then there was Chris Van Allsburg, not just an author but a beautiful illustrator.  Even I had to think really hard to decipher the inner meaning of The Wretched Stone or The Sweetest Fig.

They also wanted me to write about the read-alouds that their father continued well into teenage-hood of his favorite books, the Harry Potter series and then the Lord of the Rings,  multiple times.  Most nights he was supposed to put them to sleep by reading but it was him who fell asleep first!

It's been a while since we have read a book aloud together.  But I can say that all four of them have become readers of one sort or another.  They have definitely become thinkers and learners and admirers of the written language and stories of the diverse people of this world.  This summer support your public library, it's free, it's cool and you will meet some really cool people there.