Probletunities by Carolyn

The school district I used to work for had a special word for difficulties: probletunities. This was intended to give the idea that problems were opportunities for growth or improvement.

To me, the term probletunities seems so very glib, so shmaltzy, as if we should be glad of the barriers or struggles or failures we encounter in our jobs or our relationships or just in our daily lives; that they should be celebrated as chances to grow and improve. "Yippee!" we might say, "I burnt the roast for tonight's dinner and our guests will be here in twenty minutes. Now I have a chance to improve myself by solving this problem!" Or "Hooray! I hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ran into this brick wall. I'm so glad I now have the opportunity to grow as I have the car towed and struggle to find the money for repairs. I know this will ultimately make me a better person." Not likely for most of us.

I dislike the term probletunities, but I do applaud the sentiment. Although it seems counter-intuitive, it is true that we learn more from mistakes or struggles than from successes.

As a parent, grandparent, and educator, I have observed this to be true, yet it is still difficult to allow those we care about to go through difficulties. Not only do we not want to engage in struggles or experience failures ourselves, but we don't want our loved ones to, either.  One of the characteristics almost all parents have in common is that they want the best for their children. We want them to have happy, healthy lives, so we do our best to smooth out the rough spots for them. By not allowing them to experience the common struggles in life and working toward solutions, we may be setting them up to be less responsible, less diligent, less appreciative.

Most of the teachers I have known (and that is a lot!) are, by nature, "helpers". They have a deep desire to nurture and help people, particularly children. Unfortunately, this can lead to being too helpful. It is very common for students to complain about a task being too hard. Our first instinct is to swoop in and help. Rather, we should allow a little reasonable struggle, providing just enough support. This builds persistence, confidence, willingness to try new things. If we are never given the opportunity to try things that are just a little harder than what we have already mastered, how will we ever grow and learn? Everything we ever accomplish as human beings comes about because we have tried something just a little bit harder than what we did before or we have experienced some sort of problem that has forced us to come up with a better way of doing things.

I have seen an increase in what I label "learned helplessness" in children, both in classrooms and with their parents. While I don't think we should go out of our way to make things difficult for children, I do think it is easy to overdo the rescuing we are inclined to do. In my previous life as an assistant principal, I dealt with many parents who were determined not to allow their children to undergo any type of negative consequences for misbehavior. I often told them that it was better to allow children to experience (and survive) small punishments for small infractions when they were young (and, hopefully, learn the concept of cause and effect from it) than to experience those same lessons when they were older, their mistakes were larger, and the punishments more severe.

So, while I don't really like the term probletunities, I do embrace the idea that we learn best by experiencing and overcoming trials and by stretching ourselves to reach just a little bit farther than we were able to yesterday.

Teach Them Well by Andrea

Being a noticer is a key role of every adult involved in the life of a child.  To aid them in growing into the people they were created to be, we have to become students of our children.  We must really see them.  We have to pay attention to their feelings, actions, what they say and don’t say.  We have to watch their facial expressions and body language when they are with us and as they interact with the world around them.  We need to look for patterns that reveal their joys and strengths, the situations that bring out caution and full-fledged fear, how they interact with loved ones, friends and strangers.  What makes them angry and what makes them sad.  We must do this because they are new on this planet.  They have never grown up before.  How do they know how to be people who make the world more interesting, safe and good. They are learning as they go, and it is our responsibility to teach them how we want them to be (at least until they are able to take responsibility for themselves).  Though they are sentient beings with inherent temperaments, personalities and predispositions, children show up in the world influenced by who we have shown them to be, both directly and indirectly.  We have to know them to help them begin to know themselves.

When we adults in charge of nurturing kids do not study their God-given qualities and guide them toward self-awareness and participation in the moral, social, and familial structures and value-systems of their communities, we forfeit the right to lament and woe about their attitudes, actions and moods.

Recently, I heard a parent remark that her young child is mean. I asked if she was okay with that.  When she answered no, I offered that it was not a given that any child has to be mean.  Her parents can teach her to think and act more kindly now than they will be able to in about 10 more years.  This does not dishonor the child’s natural temperament.  Maybe she is more serious, less gregarious, than some other kids.  She can still be kind.  Maybe she is shy around people she doesn’t know well, and it manifests itself as aggression.  She can still learn to manage anxiety and treat others the way she might expect to be treated. All of these are things the adults in her life are responsible for showing her.  They can’t make her be kind, but they can surely teach it, model it and expect it.  Children are human beings just like us, never perfect, sometimes given to negative actions, attitudes and moods.  That’s not a reason to leave them unto themselves to learn how to be human.  And most children come around eventually if we are consistent about teaching them how to be rather than simply how to behave.

So rather than judging and labeling their behavior, let’s cultivate more curiosity about what we see by asking better questions. For example, when we ask “Why is this child so mean?”, our brains will automatically come up with answers that make sense- answers which justifies the question.  Her mom is mean, too. She has always been this way. She is allowed to do and say whatever she wants.  Her parents never tell her no so she is entitled. Notice, however, none of these offer any help in improving the circumstances.  If instead we ask,  “How can I help this child learn to speak more respectfully?”, your brain will automatically move into problem-solving mode.  This unlocks the wisdom you have about the child and how you want the child’s life to work.  (The chart below gives more examples of questions that might better serve our children.)

As we strive to lead future generations of people who will make our world a better place, let's be visionaries who are intentional, empathic and curious.  

See the good in the people we're raising as we aim to raise good people!

-Andrea

The questions on the right side of the table are closed and have an inherent negative belief woven into them. Our brains will automatically go to work looking for the answers which prove the belief to be true.  Asking the questions on the left side instead is inherently more empowering and promotes possibilities for growth and change. 

The better the question, the better the answer.  

Ask This...	Not That...
How can I help her learn XYZ?	Why can’t she learn XYZ?
What could I do to help/ to teach him be more or less ______?	Why is this child like this?
What do I know about this child? What are her strengths, and how can I promote those?	Why isn’t she like So and So?
What can I teach this child to help him learn more self-control/ self-management?	Why is this child out-of-control?  Why does this child act like this?
What does this child need right now?  How can I help her to be successful in this moment? The next time ____ happens?	What is wrong with this child?
She can do __________, so how can I help her learn to do _________?	She can’t do ____________.
What have I noticed bringing this child joy? (peace, pride, success etc.)	Why is this child so angry? (melancholy, anxious etc.)
What will help this child be able to ______? (take turns, make friends, be kind, work hard, stay focused etc.)	Why is this child having such a hard time ______? (taking turns, making friends, being kind, working hard, staying focused etc.)
What am I doing for this child to help him or her to be/ to do ________?	Am I doing the right thing for this child?
How can I provide what the child needs and still keep his and the family’s name and dignity in tact?	Why does this child not have _______? (possession or resource)
What am I teaching this child?	What is this child being taught by So & So, at home, at school etc? Why does this child not know ___?

-Andrea

Decisions, Decisions

I am not comfortable with making choices.  It isn’t often that I deviate from my norm.  I like to stick to what I know. There is comfort in the familiar, and I am all about the comfort.  I love my comfy “ I like big cups and I cannot lie” t-shirt. I have a favorite pair of comfy sleepy pants to wear during winter, and some comfy shorts I wear during summer.  When I go to a restaurant, I already know what I am going to have. Chick-fil-A with all of its options, I know I will get a number 3 with a lemonade to drink. No need to upsize unless it’s been a day that requires some supersize fries.

It’s not the decision itself that scares me, but more choosing wrong.  Making a wrong choice will lead to a bad outcome and then where does that leave you?  Life ruined forever. Ok… ok.. A little dramatic. While there are certain situations that can highly alter your life, most don’t warrant the stress and worry we tend to cause ourselves.  I have been making some decisions recently that have kept me up at night wondering whether or not I took the right path. Did I choose the road less traveled like Robert Frost suggests? Or is Jerry Seinfeld right and is the road less traveled less traveled for a reason?   

Regardless of what quote you subscribe to, or what path you take, it’s all about how you handle a situation when the decision is made.  The decision does not define your outcome. Only you can do that. You change jobs and it might not be exactly what you thought it was, but you can still have a positive outcome.  We can make the best of any situation, and see the beauty in the paths we do choose. The journey doesn’t end after one choice after all. We keep going, keep moving, keep choosing.

~Esmeralda

Stages

No one told me about this stage in life.  The one where your heart kind of swells with pride, practically explodes with love, and then also breaks slowly all at the same time.  No one talks about that. The stage when your children start moving from the “Mom, hug me! Hold me!” Stage, to the “I need my space.”

When I first got pregnant, I heard all about the morning sickness possibilities.  I was given advice about making sure to walk a lot and the right things to eat and foods to avoid.  So I prepared and I planned. Finally the moment comes and I am given this absolutely perfect baby in my arms.  My life before that moment was completely forgotten. Nothing else mattered looking into those eyes.

The advice follows me with the birth of my babes.   A longer list of do’s and don'ts. With every stage of the younger years, terrible two’s, potty training, starting school, I heard advice.  Everyone had opinions, and in a way it made me feel better because it helped navigate my uncharted ocean. I could always see land, so I was grounded even when the seas got rocky.  No one told me though, about the letting go bit. No one told me about what to do when my kids start growing up and maybe don’t need me quite as much as they used to. No one warned me about that mix of emotions.  The hurt for myself, excitement for them and pride in them. Maybe because it’s different for everyone. Or maybe because it’s truly hard to explain all the emotion or give advice for this stage. You just have to experience it.  

The closing of the school year, floods our facebook pages with graduation caps and gowns.  Faces of proud mommas and daddy’s, and hope in the eyes of their children. Little ones moving from the pond of elementary school diving into a new place with much bigger fish.  Lots of firsts come with the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another. As a parent, it’s blessing to be a part of every stage. It’s been an even bigger blessing to have a team of people stand by you when any amount of words or advice doesn’t really help.

As my son enters high school next year, and my daughter middle school, I feel a mixture of emotions.  These are uncharted waters. I no longer truly control the direction of the boat. I now have two co-captains with opinions and dreams, and they to want to sail their own boat.  They have their own path to explore and conquer. I will be okay to sail beside them. Maybe even sometimes behind them. I have no other choice. They know I will be there when they need me, just like I know I have people to pick me up when I’m struggling, or a friendly ear for listening.  The sea is too big to handle alone after all.

~Esmeralda

Who to blame?

By Susan

When my son was a toddler and would get in trouble for breaking things or doing something he wasn't supposed to do, his response was: "Accie did it!"  I guess he must have heard us say "it was an accident" and thought it was a person who usually caused problems and hence could be blamed for anything.  That's when I started worrying about how to teach my children to take responsibility for their own actions while at the same time know when to advocate for themselves.  It's a fine balance. And children really learn from the example of the adults around them more so than by being told.  In other words,  I can't really teach it to someone if I haven't found that balance myself.  I think of how often I might say: "You are making mommy lose her patience," or "See what you made me do?" Of course, children can be irritating and test our patience at times,  but ultimately I am in charge of my responses.  Little by little,  children can begin to see the possibility of putting the blame for their actions on outside forces.  Once I was hosting a group of nine and ten year olds at my house.  They became excessively rambunctious and disruptive while playing.  When one of the parents came to pick them up and asked how they had behaved, I mentioned the fact that they had had a rough time.  The parent asked if I had served them any sweets.  I mentioned that I had offered them some cookies as a snack.  "That's it then," said the parent.  "He gets like that when he eats too much sugar." I don't deny that food can have a negative effect on some children but providing that as a quick excuse for bad behavior, absolved the children from taking responsibility for their actions.   I remember as a child when I would fall or run into a piece of furniture, grown ups would try to comfort me by blaming the inanimate object that had hurt me.  Bad table! Why did you hurt my baby?  When I had children of my own, I was afraid that such words, even though spoken out of love, would subtly convey the message that when hurt or angry, our response should be to find someone or something to blame. We so want to protect our children and stand up for them. Especially if we felt vulnerable and defenseless as children ourselves. But it is possible that in the process we rob them of the ability to evaluate a situation and assume the appropriate measure of responsibility.

Some of us grew up in settings where it was always our fault.  Teachers and other adults were always right and our side of the story was never heard. So we end up blaming ourselves for everything.  I think the balance comes from learning to practice truthfulness and justice with ourselves first, and then with our children. I think we all have an inner voice that tries to tells us what is true and just. When we ignore it, it grows quieter and quieter, until one day it is completely silenced.  Our job as parents then is to nurture this voice within ourselves and help our children find theirs and listen to it.

Not Such a Failure After All

The pain in my throat made it very difficult to swallow as I tried my hardest not to cry.  We were on our way home and the ambiance in the car was cheerful and lighthearted to everyone but me.  We had a lot of fun things going on during the weekend, and it was Friday, which meant that the mood was relaxed.  I knew it was going to happen.  The dam could only hold so much against the pressure that was coming at it, and I put on my sunglasses to mask the eruption that was about to happen.  Had we been outside it wouldn’t have mattered.  The rain coming down could have camouflaged the tears that were now streaming down my face. 

            How could it be?  Another failure.  Another check on my long list of insecurities and inadequacies.  I knew that I would be great at this new position because it involved something I cared so passionately about.  Was I wrong?  That was the question that circled around in my head after the call that left me wondering, what is wrong with me.  Why am I not good enough?  When am I ever going to catch a break?

            The harsh rain only added to my frustration, as the traffic now became worse.  All I wanted to do was get home, cover myself with a blanket and hide.  Another wave of tears made its way to the corners of my eyes, but were stopped before the downpour.  I felt a warm, gentle touch on my arm.  I looked over at my son who was watching me with a concerned look on his face.  I hadn’t realized that the sunglasses could only hide so much of my disappointment, and he was witnessing something other than the strong momma I liked to portray in front of them.

            “Mom, are you okay?” he said genuinely worried.

            “Yes, I am fine,” I said in a convincing voice. 

He kept looking at me, and then said, “Mom, God has a plan for everything. It’s going to be okay.”

            My little man had no clue about what was going on.  He only saw that his mom was upset about something, and used the words I have used so many times with him.

            Sometimes things don’t always work out.  I know this.  I’m a teacher and a mother.  Unpredictability is kind of part of the job description for both.  But I had taken the “failure” and turned it into an attack against myself.  I saw it as a problem, and made a list of things that were wrong with me, instead of trusting that God has a plan, like I had prayed just that very morning.    Life isn’t always going to give us what we want, and it’s essential to me that my kids know how important it is to keep moving forward after a setback.  Hearing those words come out of my son’s mouth made me feel like not quite so much a failure, and even though the sun didn’t shine much the rest of the weekend, it didn’t rain on us at all.

~Esmeralda

            

Embracing the "Weird"

It was the end of a busy day, at the end of a long week, and I was looking forward to relaxing completely with my little family!  We filed into our favorite row at the movie theater, and got situated passing out cups of popcorn.  Once everyone had what they needed, I headed to the bathroom, with my daughter in tow, to change out of my heels and into something more comfortable. 

As I am finishing up, I let out sigh of relief but stop mid breath.

“Sophia, do you think people will think I am weird because I walked in wearing a dress, and now I am wearing shorts and a tee shirt?”

Using her vast experience, and 8 years of wisdom she comments, “Maybe mommy, but who cares?  Everyone is a little weird in their own way.”

I feel a little silly after her comment.  I am the mother.  It is my job to teach and model to my daughter the truly important things in life.  Being kind.  Respecting other people.  Keeping your word.  Showing integrity.  I want her to be a strong, loving woman who is sure about herself and her worth.  I want her to feel confident in whom she is as a person.  Not because of what she wears on the outside or what others think of her. 

I remember being that sure of myself once.  I wasn’t worried about how I was perceived by others because it never crossed my mind that someone might think something negative about me.  It just wasn’t on the radar.  I wondered to myself how I got this way. How I allowed the opinions of others to make me question myself.  People will always have an opinion about what I do or how I do it, whether positive or negative, its still there.  Looming over like a gray cloud.  The trick is to know you.  To pull out the umbrella of truth, and let the comments or messages not soak you and leave you cold.   Instead, play in the puddles of criticism, and show others how fun it can be.

In the little bathroom stall, as I am placing my clothes back into my pink and black bag, I am proud of my little wise young lady.  I know society, and outside influences will already be speaking messages of inadequacy, as my girl gets older.  I want to model a different message.  I want to show her that it is ok to be who you are, because everyone is unique and special, and as she so eloquently put it, a little weird in his or her own way. 

           

I walk out and I embrace my little bundle of uniqueness.  I look up to her, while I look down at her smile.  And we walk out, hand in hand, confident and secure. 

~Esmer