Not Such a Failure After All

The pain in my throat made it very difficult to swallow as I tried my hardest not to cry.  We were on our way home and the ambiance in the car was cheerful and lighthearted to everyone but me.  We had a lot of fun things going on during the weekend, and it was Friday, which meant that the mood was relaxed.  I knew it was going to happen.  The dam could only hold so much against the pressure that was coming at it, and I put on my sunglasses to mask the eruption that was about to happen.  Had we been outside it wouldn’t have mattered.  The rain coming down could have camouflaged the tears that were now streaming down my face. 

            How could it be?  Another failure.  Another check on my long list of insecurities and inadequacies.  I knew that I would be great at this new position because it involved something I cared so passionately about.  Was I wrong?  That was the question that circled around in my head after the call that left me wondering, what is wrong with me.  Why am I not good enough?  When am I ever going to catch a break?

            The harsh rain only added to my frustration, as the traffic now became worse.  All I wanted to do was get home, cover myself with a blanket and hide.  Another wave of tears made its way to the corners of my eyes, but were stopped before the downpour.  I felt a warm, gentle touch on my arm.  I looked over at my son who was watching me with a concerned look on his face.  I hadn’t realized that the sunglasses could only hide so much of my disappointment, and he was witnessing something other than the strong momma I liked to portray in front of them.

            “Mom, are you okay?” he said genuinely worried.

            “Yes, I am fine,” I said in a convincing voice. 

He kept looking at me, and then said, “Mom, God has a plan for everything. It’s going to be okay.”

            My little man had no clue about what was going on.  He only saw that his mom was upset about something, and used the words I have used so many times with him.

            Sometimes things don’t always work out.  I know this.  I’m a teacher and a mother.  Unpredictability is kind of part of the job description for both.  But I had taken the “failure” and turned it into an attack against myself.  I saw it as a problem, and made a list of things that were wrong with me, instead of trusting that God has a plan, like I had prayed just that very morning.    Life isn’t always going to give us what we want, and it’s essential to me that my kids know how important it is to keep moving forward after a setback.  Hearing those words come out of my son’s mouth made me feel like not quite so much a failure, and even though the sun didn’t shine much the rest of the weekend, it didn’t rain on us at all.

~Esmeralda

            

Autumn Leaves

Autumn has always been my favorite season.  There is a very good possibility I feel this way because my birthday falls during this chilly season, but that’s only a piece of it.  There was a drive I used to take with my family in the fall.  I’m not even sure what it is called or if it even exists anymore.  We lived in Colorado so really anywhere you went you could see the autumn leaves changing color from their characteristic green to their new attire of blazing orange and ruby red.  All I had to do was look outside my window and I could enjoy this phenomenon.  However, the drive was extra special.  The trees extended and hugged each other creating a canopy of fire.  When the wind blew, tiny sparks of leaves would fall to the ground that would leave me mesmerized.   It was my most favorite thing, and if I close my eyes I can still see it. 

One fall we went for our annual drive, but due to hectic schedules, we had to take it a little later in the season than we usually did.  Most of the leaves had already fallen, and were brown by the time we took our journey.  I was so upset at the sight of the bare trees.  They looked dead to me, and I couldn’t understand that these were the same beautiful trees that I engraved in my memory. 

            Sometimes in life, I feel very much like the bare, vulnerable trees after all my color has been blown off by life’s cold and harsh winds.  Although the fall is my favorite season to watch out my window, it is not the season in life I enjoy the most.   Everything just feels wrong.  Piles upon piles of things seem to go wrong, and it is never ending.  Just when I feel a life start to blossom something else happens, and it’s gone before it has even had a chance to grow.  I feel sad, and helpless.  I feel alone and vulnerable because there is nothing I can do during this time.  The only thing I can do is wait it out and trust in spring.  I have to trust that although the sun isn’t shining, and the warmth is limited, its still there.  And it will get stronger and stronger.  My leaves will return again.  The harsh winds of fall will slow down, and eventually fade.  A new season will begin, bringing with it a new beginning.

            Fall is still my favorite season.  And just like the beautiful drive we once took, there is something amazing in every season of our life.  We just have to look a little harder to notice it.  Because every season has a purpose and so much beauty. 

~Esmer