A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime (#9)

A few of my beautiful new ladies who love the light.

Everyone knows that plants need water, sunlight, nutrients and space to grow.  What I did not know until I became a plantsman is that in winter, many houseplants need less water, no fertilizer and produce little to no new growth. They go dormant.  They may not look it, but they are very much alive and will thrive in the next season.  This happens naturally as seasons and the weather changes. Plants do this to conserve energy in order to be prepared to respond to and thrive when the culture and conditions change for the better. Plant enthusiasts must know the signs of dormancy or they could kill the plant by overwatering, overfeeding, overcompensating in ways that are more harmful than helpful. Some friendships are like this.  They need little to sustain them throughout winter seasons of life: career challenges and intimate relationship changes, births and deaths, relocations and revisions to daily life, emotional and mental sabbaticals. They may appear dead, but really the relationship may just be dormant. We need to know the signs.  

In every friendship there are times when phone calls taper off, but your friends are still in your thoughts and prayers. There is a text every now and again with a meme or inspirational quote that harkens back to an inside joke. You check social media to find you've been tagged in a sweet memory of another time in your friendship and it causes a longing for more.  One of you sends a gift or a card in the mail, just because. You know what’s going on in your friends’ lives and have placed little expectation on them to do more than they can do at this time.  You cannot wait until life settles down so you can spend time with them again. And before you know it, the spring season of life arrives. Regular texts resume, phone calls are made, coffee dates are set, laughs and life pick up right where you left off. 

So here’s my bit of advice for those who may read a social media post or hear someone say “stop texting your friends first and see what dead plants you’ve been watering”:

Excerpt of the viral Facebook post that got me thinking.

Keep watering your friendships in the ways that you're able to in the seasons you're in. Your friends know you. If they need something more, different or better, they'll be honest with you and ask for it, and they will understand if you cannot give it- especially when you do not have it to give. But if not, remember this: some friendships, like some plants, are seasonal, meaning they complete their full growing cycle in one season. Some people are in your life for a reason (we work together and are good friends in that context), a season (our kids are playing on the same sports team or we share a hobby or community activity), or for a lifetime. 

Lifetime friends are perennial, lasting or existing for a long or apparently infinite time; enduring or continually recurring. They know who you are and love you because of and in spite of that.  Lifetime friends are the ones who are there in every season. They know what the friendship needs, they recognize what you provide, and they, too, contribute to the care of the relationship. They water, fertilize and prune. They trust you will do the same.  They watch and wait with you in anticipation for the next season of blooms and new growth. Check in on all of your friends.  Do what you can for each kind and in every season.  Give each the care, space, and light it needs. What you water will grow in its time, in its way. 

💚 Andrea

Probletunities by Carolyn

The school district I used to work for had a special word for difficulties: probletunities. This was intended to give the idea that problems were opportunities for growth or improvement.

To me, the term probletunities seems so very glib, so shmaltzy, as if we should be glad of the barriers or struggles or failures we encounter in our jobs or our relationships or just in our daily lives; that they should be celebrated as chances to grow and improve. "Yippee!" we might say, "I burnt the roast for tonight's dinner and our guests will be here in twenty minutes. Now I have a chance to improve myself by solving this problem!" Or "Hooray! I hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ran into this brick wall. I'm so glad I now have the opportunity to grow as I have the car towed and struggle to find the money for repairs. I know this will ultimately make me a better person." Not likely for most of us.

I dislike the term probletunities, but I do applaud the sentiment. Although it seems counter-intuitive, it is true that we learn more from mistakes or struggles than from successes.

As a parent, grandparent, and educator, I have observed this to be true, yet it is still difficult to allow those we care about to go through difficulties. Not only do we not want to engage in struggles or experience failures ourselves, but we don't want our loved ones to, either.  One of the characteristics almost all parents have in common is that they want the best for their children. We want them to have happy, healthy lives, so we do our best to smooth out the rough spots for them. By not allowing them to experience the common struggles in life and working toward solutions, we may be setting them up to be less responsible, less diligent, less appreciative.

Most of the teachers I have known (and that is a lot!) are, by nature, "helpers". They have a deep desire to nurture and help people, particularly children. Unfortunately, this can lead to being too helpful. It is very common for students to complain about a task being too hard. Our first instinct is to swoop in and help. Rather, we should allow a little reasonable struggle, providing just enough support. This builds persistence, confidence, willingness to try new things. If we are never given the opportunity to try things that are just a little harder than what we have already mastered, how will we ever grow and learn? Everything we ever accomplish as human beings comes about because we have tried something just a little bit harder than what we did before or we have experienced some sort of problem that has forced us to come up with a better way of doing things.

I have seen an increase in what I label "learned helplessness" in children, both in classrooms and with their parents. While I don't think we should go out of our way to make things difficult for children, I do think it is easy to overdo the rescuing we are inclined to do. In my previous life as an assistant principal, I dealt with many parents who were determined not to allow their children to undergo any type of negative consequences for misbehavior. I often told them that it was better to allow children to experience (and survive) small punishments for small infractions when they were young (and, hopefully, learn the concept of cause and effect from it) than to experience those same lessons when they were older, their mistakes were larger, and the punishments more severe.

So, while I don't really like the term probletunities, I do embrace the idea that we learn best by experiencing and overcoming trials and by stretching ourselves to reach just a little bit farther than we were able to yesterday.

Not Such a Failure After All

The pain in my throat made it very difficult to swallow as I tried my hardest not to cry.  We were on our way home and the ambiance in the car was cheerful and lighthearted to everyone but me.  We had a lot of fun things going on during the weekend, and it was Friday, which meant that the mood was relaxed.  I knew it was going to happen.  The dam could only hold so much against the pressure that was coming at it, and I put on my sunglasses to mask the eruption that was about to happen.  Had we been outside it wouldn’t have mattered.  The rain coming down could have camouflaged the tears that were now streaming down my face. 

            How could it be?  Another failure.  Another check on my long list of insecurities and inadequacies.  I knew that I would be great at this new position because it involved something I cared so passionately about.  Was I wrong?  That was the question that circled around in my head after the call that left me wondering, what is wrong with me.  Why am I not good enough?  When am I ever going to catch a break?

            The harsh rain only added to my frustration, as the traffic now became worse.  All I wanted to do was get home, cover myself with a blanket and hide.  Another wave of tears made its way to the corners of my eyes, but were stopped before the downpour.  I felt a warm, gentle touch on my arm.  I looked over at my son who was watching me with a concerned look on his face.  I hadn’t realized that the sunglasses could only hide so much of my disappointment, and he was witnessing something other than the strong momma I liked to portray in front of them.

            “Mom, are you okay?” he said genuinely worried.

            “Yes, I am fine,” I said in a convincing voice. 

He kept looking at me, and then said, “Mom, God has a plan for everything. It’s going to be okay.”

            My little man had no clue about what was going on.  He only saw that his mom was upset about something, and used the words I have used so many times with him.

            Sometimes things don’t always work out.  I know this.  I’m a teacher and a mother.  Unpredictability is kind of part of the job description for both.  But I had taken the “failure” and turned it into an attack against myself.  I saw it as a problem, and made a list of things that were wrong with me, instead of trusting that God has a plan, like I had prayed just that very morning.    Life isn’t always going to give us what we want, and it’s essential to me that my kids know how important it is to keep moving forward after a setback.  Hearing those words come out of my son’s mouth made me feel like not quite so much a failure, and even though the sun didn’t shine much the rest of the weekend, it didn’t rain on us at all.

~Esmeralda

            

Embracing the "Weird"

It was the end of a busy day, at the end of a long week, and I was looking forward to relaxing completely with my little family!  We filed into our favorite row at the movie theater, and got situated passing out cups of popcorn.  Once everyone had what they needed, I headed to the bathroom, with my daughter in tow, to change out of my heels and into something more comfortable. 

As I am finishing up, I let out sigh of relief but stop mid breath.

“Sophia, do you think people will think I am weird because I walked in wearing a dress, and now I am wearing shorts and a tee shirt?”

Using her vast experience, and 8 years of wisdom she comments, “Maybe mommy, but who cares?  Everyone is a little weird in their own way.”

I feel a little silly after her comment.  I am the mother.  It is my job to teach and model to my daughter the truly important things in life.  Being kind.  Respecting other people.  Keeping your word.  Showing integrity.  I want her to be a strong, loving woman who is sure about herself and her worth.  I want her to feel confident in whom she is as a person.  Not because of what she wears on the outside or what others think of her. 

I remember being that sure of myself once.  I wasn’t worried about how I was perceived by others because it never crossed my mind that someone might think something negative about me.  It just wasn’t on the radar.  I wondered to myself how I got this way. How I allowed the opinions of others to make me question myself.  People will always have an opinion about what I do or how I do it, whether positive or negative, its still there.  Looming over like a gray cloud.  The trick is to know you.  To pull out the umbrella of truth, and let the comments or messages not soak you and leave you cold.   Instead, play in the puddles of criticism, and show others how fun it can be.

In the little bathroom stall, as I am placing my clothes back into my pink and black bag, I am proud of my little wise young lady.  I know society, and outside influences will already be speaking messages of inadequacy, as my girl gets older.  I want to model a different message.  I want to show her that it is ok to be who you are, because everyone is unique and special, and as she so eloquently put it, a little weird in his or her own way. 

           

I walk out and I embrace my little bundle of uniqueness.  I look up to her, while I look down at her smile.  And we walk out, hand in hand, confident and secure. 

~Esmer

Exploring Grace by Andrea

Utter the word grace and all kinds of associations and images come to mind.

Grace Kelly, Grace Jones,

God’s grace, in someone’s good graces

saving grace, fall from grace,

grace the stage, grace period  

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…

    Grace is my one word for 2015.  Long before it was a trending thing to do, I have made a practice of choosing a word, or three, to be my anchor for growth and development in the new year.  I examine my journal entries to look for the paths upon which God and life have been trying to lead me. I search for themes in my epiphanies, angsts and questions.  I spend much time in prayer, meditation, and reflection to find the quality on which I need to focus.  This process led me to grace.  

           

   My aim is to become a guide to grace- recognizing it, extending it and receiving it.    

Recognizing Grace

   Something hit me not too long ago.  When I look at my face, I see only my mother.  There is no distinct part of me that is not mirrored in her.  I see facial expressions, skin tone, contours of her features in mine. I believe this is an act of grace from God.  You see, I have never known my father.  He chose to leave my life when I was an infant. I've never seen a picture of him or ever met any of his family members. Though I have made peace with his absence in my life and truly harbor no ill will or thought, I think it would have sickened my curious, need-to-see-the-connections kind of heart to look into the mirror everyday and see unfamiliar, untraceable features in myself.

   Grace abounds, but I don't always recognize it.  Most often, it is not until later that I see God’s or someone else’s act of grace in my life.  But the fact is when I’m looking for evidence of something, I always find it.  You’ll see whatever it is you’re looking for and the more I recognize grace in my own life, the more I am able to extend it to others.

Extending Grace

    I am a teacher.  I used to teach really little kids and now I teach bigger kids; kids who are a little more set in their ways.  Kids who have much more of the personality and mindset they will as adults. With really little kids, it is so much easier to extend grace.  They are new here.  Though I held high expectations, I knew they were learning daily how to be the human beings they were put here to be.  I  found much joy and purpose in extending grace to little people. And they would respond quickly, happily and thrive because of it.  Sometimes this is not the case with bigger kids. Oh yes, they need grace, but they do not always see the need or appreciate the extension.

 Nonetheless, they still thrive in it when it is given freely and frequently.  My motto is gentle pressure applied relentlessly to help kids move beyond the sometimes jaded perspective they can have toward all the things we grown-ups try to instill in them.  

  Sometimes, big kids can have bad attitudes, put in less than their best effort.  Let’s face it, some have bought into the cultural lie that school is a place to dread despite the fact that this doesn’t match their daily experience.  I didn’t know this about big kids.  Little kids are not that way.  They have great attitudes for the most part.  They believe they can change the world and learn anything because we applaud everything they do because they are new here.  Not so with bigger kids.  Some become jaded because they have been told that something they’ve done isn’t right or good enough.  They get told to try harder rather than being shown how to.  Let’s face it, they are still new here, too.  They need us to extend love, kindness, mercy, compassion and find favor in them.  They need grace.  

   The truth is we all do.  I always, always, always say that grown-ups are just like kids, only taller. Deep down, we all have the same core needs and we express those needs in so many of the same ways we did as children. We fight, flee or freeze.   Big, small and all in between need grace like they need love because grace is simply an action of love.  This is how we can change our weaknesses to strength.  Maybe the more grace we extend the better we will get at recognizing our need for and increase our capacity to receive grace.

Receiving Grace

How many of us are gifted at giving but terrible at receiving?  I will be the first to admit it.  I know I need grace from people, but  sometimes I hate that I need it.  For instance, my husband is probably the most gracious man I will ever know.  Daily, without fail, he exemplifies the disposition to benefit or serve others with me and our children.  For the past few weeks, I have been abnormally fatigued.  I fall asleep the way one would accidentally fall down- without warning and hard.  Though he has always been an equal participant in the management of our household,  he has had to manage just about everything lately: meals, cleaning, laundry (washing, folding and putting away), the bills, the kids’ stuff and whatever else I have left undone.   

        In 22 years, he has never complained once about taking care of me.  He fills in every gap I leave open.  He rescues me all of the time.  I start something.  He finishes it.  I dream up something.  He makes it happen.  He is reliable.  He forgives easily.  He overlooks my faults.  He gives without reservation.  

       Sometimes, I push back on this.  I used to call it independence.  Really though, it is an inability to receive grace, also known as pride (not the good kind).  I have gotten a lot better through the years.  He has told me so.  But as with most of life, I am still in progress.  I love to serve and give to people.  I believe this is a major part of why I am here.  Consequently, in order to do this well I have to continuously grow in the three aspects of gracious living I am exploring. Part of growing in grace for me has to be welcoming grace inwardly and with humility.  In doing this, I bet I will grow in recognizing and extending it to others.

Changing Grace

The more I explore, the more I am convinced that grace isn’t always all roses and rainbows.  A proverb states: As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another.  This too is grace. Sometimes sparks may fly as we do things that benefit and serve others. Sometimes grace is speaking the truth in love to help people change a behavior or character issue as they travel on the road to being the best version of themselves.  Sometimes grace is letting someone make mistakes so they can learn and develop convictions of their own as you admonish and encourage. Sometimes grace is saying or doing nothing at all and letting people find their own strength.  

Every time, however, grace is giving others and ourselves what is needed, when it is needed. Grace must be thoughtful, genuine and intentional.  It calls for our hearts and eyes to be wide open- to know and see what to give and when.  The more we recognize acts of and the need for grace, the more we should be able to extend it. And extending grace changes us, moving us into a better state to receive it.

-Andrea

I do not understand the mystery of grace- only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.- Anne Lamott