Changes and Constants by Carolyn

My family reunion was yesterday. My mother's family has, as long as I can remember, held a reunion each summer. Some aspects remain constant through the years, some aspects change, much like everything else in our lives. My mother was one of seven children; I am one of 23 first-cousins. We cousins are now in our forties, fifties, or sixties. Most of us are parents and some of us are grandparents, so two more generations have been added to the fray.

One of the best things that happened yesterday was the gift one of my cousins gave me of a thumb drive full of photos from the past several reunions. Such a treasure! As I looked through the photos, I was struck by the changes that have happened over the last few years, as well as the things that have endured.

Through the years, we have always had our reunions at low-cost venues. We are not the kind of family that books whole floors at swanky hotels or travels to exotic locations or swarms onto a cruise ship en masse. We tend to hold our reunions in the backyards of family members or around picnic tables at public parks. This has not changed. The duration of the reunions has changed, though: in my youth, we spent an entire weekend at our reunions, often at Bastrop State Park. We rented cabins and communed together for a couple of days. The kids swam and walked through the woods and biked on the trails. The grownups played dominoes and cards and horseshoes. We all chatted and laughed and forged family bonds. These days, our reunions only last one afternoon. Our lives seem to have gotten busier and busier, and there are often many family members who cannot attend our gatherings.

We have always eaten well at our family reunions. We are not the sort of people to have our food catered - it is always good ol' home cooking, nothing fancy, but always abundant and delicious. There have always been, and probably always will be, several different casseroles and favorites such as potato salad, baked beans, fried chicken, and ham. And the desserts . . . banana pudding, lemon meringue pie, chocolate cake. It all tastes like home. And we always say grace before the meal. Even if our family members never pray in their private lives, or only enter a church to attend a wedding or a funeral, we all join in giving thanks for our food and our fellowship. We honor the heritage of our ancestors' strong Christian faith. (This year, however, I missed the prayer because my three-year-old grandson, Jude, got tired of waiting for everyone to gather around. He pulled me out of the circle by the hand and led me to his full plate waiting on the table. I feel somewhat less guilty because we did sing the "Thank You, Jesus" song he has learned in Mothers' Day Out together.)

As time has gone on, we have lost many of our family members. My grandparents, my mother, two of her sisters, and three of my cousins have passed away, as well as my husband, my brother-in-law, and three uncles by marriage. We mourn together over those we have lost. We tell stories about the good memories we have of them, and laugh together over silly things. We cry, but we also smile because there are almost always new babies making their debut at one of the reunions. (Our newest family member this year was my granddaughter, Malin. It puffed me up a little bit to hear my relatives exclaim over how beautiful she is!) There is always an abundance of children. Some run around, wending their way through small clusters of their elders, looking for something to eat or something to amuse themselves. The teens lounge about looking bored. They have not yet learned to value the importance of family gatherings, especially with people they only see once a year. They don't realize that the stories we tell are their own history, their own inheritance.

I remember going to the family reunions every year with my mother when I was a child, a teenager, and a young woman. I remember taking my children to the reunions when they were babies, young boys, and teenagers. Now I am going to the family reunions with my grown sons, my daughter-in-law, and my own grandchildren. I am grateful that my boys will make the effort to go with me. They have come to understand how important that family connection is to me.

There is always lots of conversation at our gatherings. The older generation tells about what they remember of their parents and grandparents and growing up together. My generation reminisces about adventures as cousins together or catch up on whatever has changed in our lives since last year. We talk about the tragedies and the triumphs that befall our family members.

I am worried that, as the older generation passes on and my generation of cousins continues to age and lead their separate lives, and family members move farther away from central Texas, there will be no strong bond among the younger generations. The family connection will be stretched thinner and thinner. Our reunions will likely die down to a just a handful of people, and then down to something that only happened in the distant past. It is a melancholy thought; but for now, I cherish the bond that unites me to these beloved people. We are a family.

Stages

No one told me about this stage in life.  The one where your heart kind of swells with pride, practically explodes with love, and then also breaks slowly all at the same time.  No one talks about that. The stage when your children start moving from the “Mom, hug me! Hold me!” Stage, to the “I need my space.”

When I first got pregnant, I heard all about the morning sickness possibilities.  I was given advice about making sure to walk a lot and the right things to eat and foods to avoid.  So I prepared and I planned. Finally the moment comes and I am given this absolutely perfect baby in my arms.  My life before that moment was completely forgotten. Nothing else mattered looking into those eyes.

The advice follows me with the birth of my babes.   A longer list of do’s and don'ts. With every stage of the younger years, terrible two’s, potty training, starting school, I heard advice.  Everyone had opinions, and in a way it made me feel better because it helped navigate my uncharted ocean. I could always see land, so I was grounded even when the seas got rocky.  No one told me though, about the letting go bit. No one told me about what to do when my kids start growing up and maybe don’t need me quite as much as they used to. No one warned me about that mix of emotions.  The hurt for myself, excitement for them and pride in them. Maybe because it’s different for everyone. Or maybe because it’s truly hard to explain all the emotion or give advice for this stage. You just have to experience it.  

The closing of the school year, floods our facebook pages with graduation caps and gowns.  Faces of proud mommas and daddy’s, and hope in the eyes of their children. Little ones moving from the pond of elementary school diving into a new place with much bigger fish.  Lots of firsts come with the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another. As a parent, it’s blessing to be a part of every stage. It’s been an even bigger blessing to have a team of people stand by you when any amount of words or advice doesn’t really help.

As my son enters high school next year, and my daughter middle school, I feel a mixture of emotions.  These are uncharted waters. I no longer truly control the direction of the boat. I now have two co-captains with opinions and dreams, and they to want to sail their own boat.  They have their own path to explore and conquer. I will be okay to sail beside them. Maybe even sometimes behind them. I have no other choice. They know I will be there when they need me, just like I know I have people to pick me up when I’m struggling, or a friendly ear for listening.  The sea is too big to handle alone after all.

~Esmeralda

Fine

“I’m fine” is a  phrase I use regularly.  More often than not it’s what comes out of my mouth when my Friends or family ask how I’m doing.  It is a comfortable, safe response, and the least complicated. It isn’t a lie. Most times I am fine.   Regardless, one Monday morning when I was rushed and stressed, and not fully recovered from the weekend a friend asked me how I was doing.  I said fine with a smile of course, and then we shut our portable doors to start our day. I stayed in that same spot near the door for a bit, as I contemplated how much I actually claim to be fine.  It got me thinking, was I really fine? Why do those words just spill off my tongue so easily without any thought. What am I trying to communicate to others and to myself? I decided to further investigate so I googled the definition of the word I claimed to be so many times a day.  One definition of fine was: to be very well, in a satisfactory manner.  Doesn’t sound bad. It’s not negative.  There is no emotion or umph behind it though.  It just is. The second definition, however was: high quality.  I liked the sound of that. Sounded better than satisfactory. I continued my search with some synonyms.  First-class, first-rate, great, exceptional, splendid, exquisite, superb.   Wow!  They all had a powerful ring to them more so than the fine I was used to referring to.  When I used my old kind of fine, I felt it. I felt satisfactory. I was going through the motions of the day.   Counting the minutes, not the moments. Why just be satisfactory when we can be superb? Why not exquisite or splendid?  

In our busy day to day of living life, the tasks can be mundane at times if we let them.  We don’t have to though. From now on, when and if I use my favorite phrase, it won’t just mean satisfactory.  My hope is that when someone asks how you are doing, you can smile and answer with emotion and honesty, I’m fine.  

Exploring Grace by Andrea

Utter the word grace and all kinds of associations and images come to mind.

Grace Kelly, Grace Jones,

God’s grace, in someone’s good graces

saving grace, fall from grace,

grace the stage, grace period  

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…

    Grace is my one word for 2015.  Long before it was a trending thing to do, I have made a practice of choosing a word, or three, to be my anchor for growth and development in the new year.  I examine my journal entries to look for the paths upon which God and life have been trying to lead me. I search for themes in my epiphanies, angsts and questions.  I spend much time in prayer, meditation, and reflection to find the quality on which I need to focus.  This process led me to grace.  

           

   My aim is to become a guide to grace- recognizing it, extending it and receiving it.    

Recognizing Grace

   Something hit me not too long ago.  When I look at my face, I see only my mother.  There is no distinct part of me that is not mirrored in her.  I see facial expressions, skin tone, contours of her features in mine. I believe this is an act of grace from God.  You see, I have never known my father.  He chose to leave my life when I was an infant. I've never seen a picture of him or ever met any of his family members. Though I have made peace with his absence in my life and truly harbor no ill will or thought, I think it would have sickened my curious, need-to-see-the-connections kind of heart to look into the mirror everyday and see unfamiliar, untraceable features in myself.

   Grace abounds, but I don't always recognize it.  Most often, it is not until later that I see God’s or someone else’s act of grace in my life.  But the fact is when I’m looking for evidence of something, I always find it.  You’ll see whatever it is you’re looking for and the more I recognize grace in my own life, the more I am able to extend it to others.

Extending Grace

    I am a teacher.  I used to teach really little kids and now I teach bigger kids; kids who are a little more set in their ways.  Kids who have much more of the personality and mindset they will as adults. With really little kids, it is so much easier to extend grace.  They are new here.  Though I held high expectations, I knew they were learning daily how to be the human beings they were put here to be.  I  found much joy and purpose in extending grace to little people. And they would respond quickly, happily and thrive because of it.  Sometimes this is not the case with bigger kids. Oh yes, they need grace, but they do not always see the need or appreciate the extension.

 Nonetheless, they still thrive in it when it is given freely and frequently.  My motto is gentle pressure applied relentlessly to help kids move beyond the sometimes jaded perspective they can have toward all the things we grown-ups try to instill in them.  

  Sometimes, big kids can have bad attitudes, put in less than their best effort.  Let’s face it, some have bought into the cultural lie that school is a place to dread despite the fact that this doesn’t match their daily experience.  I didn’t know this about big kids.  Little kids are not that way.  They have great attitudes for the most part.  They believe they can change the world and learn anything because we applaud everything they do because they are new here.  Not so with bigger kids.  Some become jaded because they have been told that something they’ve done isn’t right or good enough.  They get told to try harder rather than being shown how to.  Let’s face it, they are still new here, too.  They need us to extend love, kindness, mercy, compassion and find favor in them.  They need grace.  

   The truth is we all do.  I always, always, always say that grown-ups are just like kids, only taller. Deep down, we all have the same core needs and we express those needs in so many of the same ways we did as children. We fight, flee or freeze.   Big, small and all in between need grace like they need love because grace is simply an action of love.  This is how we can change our weaknesses to strength.  Maybe the more grace we extend the better we will get at recognizing our need for and increase our capacity to receive grace.

Receiving Grace

How many of us are gifted at giving but terrible at receiving?  I will be the first to admit it.  I know I need grace from people, but  sometimes I hate that I need it.  For instance, my husband is probably the most gracious man I will ever know.  Daily, without fail, he exemplifies the disposition to benefit or serve others with me and our children.  For the past few weeks, I have been abnormally fatigued.  I fall asleep the way one would accidentally fall down- without warning and hard.  Though he has always been an equal participant in the management of our household,  he has had to manage just about everything lately: meals, cleaning, laundry (washing, folding and putting away), the bills, the kids’ stuff and whatever else I have left undone.   

        In 22 years, he has never complained once about taking care of me.  He fills in every gap I leave open.  He rescues me all of the time.  I start something.  He finishes it.  I dream up something.  He makes it happen.  He is reliable.  He forgives easily.  He overlooks my faults.  He gives without reservation.  

       Sometimes, I push back on this.  I used to call it independence.  Really though, it is an inability to receive grace, also known as pride (not the good kind).  I have gotten a lot better through the years.  He has told me so.  But as with most of life, I am still in progress.  I love to serve and give to people.  I believe this is a major part of why I am here.  Consequently, in order to do this well I have to continuously grow in the three aspects of gracious living I am exploring. Part of growing in grace for me has to be welcoming grace inwardly and with humility.  In doing this, I bet I will grow in recognizing and extending it to others.

Changing Grace

The more I explore, the more I am convinced that grace isn’t always all roses and rainbows.  A proverb states: As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another.  This too is grace. Sometimes sparks may fly as we do things that benefit and serve others. Sometimes grace is speaking the truth in love to help people change a behavior or character issue as they travel on the road to being the best version of themselves.  Sometimes grace is letting someone make mistakes so they can learn and develop convictions of their own as you admonish and encourage. Sometimes grace is saying or doing nothing at all and letting people find their own strength.  

Every time, however, grace is giving others and ourselves what is needed, when it is needed. Grace must be thoughtful, genuine and intentional.  It calls for our hearts and eyes to be wide open- to know and see what to give and when.  The more we recognize acts of and the need for grace, the more we should be able to extend it. And extending grace changes us, moving us into a better state to receive it.

-Andrea

I do not understand the mystery of grace- only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.- Anne Lamott