On Proverbs by Carolyn

Proverb:  "a simple and concrete saying popularly known and repeated that expresses a truth based on common sense or the practical experience of humanity."

So if proverbs purport to tell the truth, why are so many of them contradictory?

I provide the following evidence to support my claim:

There's no time like the present.     but       Good things come to those who wait.

Which is it? Should I wait for the good things to come to me, or should I jump up and go search for them?  If I search for them, will they not come? Will I scare the good things away?

If you want something done right, do it yourself.     but      Two heads are better than one.

So . . . should I do it myself (because then it will be right), or should I find someone else to contribute their brains to my project (because then it will be better)? What if I pick the wrong person to combine my brains with? Would it then be worse than if I had done it by myself?

Discretion is the better part of valor.     but     Fortune favors the bold.

Discreet or bold?  Discreet or bold?  Discreet or bold?   I can't decide! I read that proverbs are situationally based, so you choose the one that best fits your situation, but I can see this being a problem - what if you are bold when you should be discreet, and discreet when you should be bold? For instance, you discover that your boss is doing something shady. You decide to be bold. You confront your boss. Your boss fails to appreciate your boldness. Now you are jobless. Or possibly, you decide that discretion is the better part of valor. You keep mum about your boss's shady dealings. Unfortunately your boss's boss finds out about the nefarious deeds and that you knew about them. You are jobless again. Bummer.

Many hands make light work.     but     Too many cooks spoil the broth.

What is the right number? Where is the line that divides "many" from "too many"? I really need to know, because I absolutely do want light work, but definitely not spoiled broth. I wonder if the size of the kitchen has anything to do with how many cooks are just the right amount?

It's the thought that counts.    but     The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Hmmm.  Perhaps you can only get away with good intentions for so long, then you are on the very slippery downhill slope leading to Hades. I hope I haven't worn out my good intentions allotment yet. By the way, people who are self-disciplined enough to regularly follow through with their good intentions really make the rest of us feel inadequate. You know who you are.


And now to totally confuse us, we have tag-team proverb wrestling. In this corner, we have the mighty team of proverbs that admonish us to lose no time in acting:

If you snooze, you lose.     and     He who hesitates is lost.     and     Strike while the iron is hot.

Pretty definitive, right? The advice is very clear - we should act RIGHT NOW!

But wait! In the other corner we have this formidable team that urges us to slow down and be cautious:

Haste makes waste.     and     Look before you leap.     and     Slow and steady wins the race.

Now I'm totally bumfuzzled. So that's it. I've decided that you can't trust a proverb to guide you. You just have to make your own decisions. After all, you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket . . .

The trapeze artist must learn to let go

By Susan

I had my whole life planned out since I was thirteen years old. I even had the name of my three children picked out. Despite the wrench that the Iranian Revolution threw in many of our lives, in the plane of my little life, things were going as I had planned them.  I had gone to college right after high school, gotten married at nineteen (the same age as mother, as I had planned), gotten a job, saved money and was now ready to embark on the next phase of the plan.  For Ben and I, the next step was finding some place outside of the United States, where we could live among people of a different culture and serve our Faith and humanity. After some extensive traveling around the world and looking into various job possibilities for Ben, we ended up in Venezuela.  Instead of Ben finding a job as a mining engineer, however, we started a business selling computers in Puerto Ordaz, an industrial city in the southeast part of the country.  For the most part, everything was going according to my plan.  I had always put very little importance on money and material well being.  But I have to say that I had been blessed with both, with very little effort on my part.  The computer store had been open for a couple of months and I was about six months pregnant with Miranda.  Ben and I quickly realized that we did not have the best instincts for running a business.  People would come in with their children to buy home computers.  The twelve year olds would try to tell their parents that they needed the top of the line color monitors and the fastest processors for playing games and doing homework.  I would try to talk them out of it!  Things were going pretty slowly. 

And then one day, we woke up to find that one of the biggest businesses in town was venturing into computer sales and opening a store in the same shopping center as ours. I remember sitting at lunch when Ben told me of this new development.  I burst into tear, crying uncontrollably, saying that our baby was going to starve because we could not provide for it.  We had used up all of our savings in setting up our life and our business, and I could not see a way for us to succeed in something that we neither enjoyed nor were good at.  Ben, of course, comforted me and assured me that things would turn out fine, but I was completely scared.  This was not part of my plan. 

I don’t remember whether it was hours, days or months, but it was not too long after that day that I saw an image in my mind.  It was of a trapeze artist swinging back and forth, back and forth and finally choosing the perfect instant to trust her partner and let go, knowing that she would be caught.  I realized that up to that point I had claimed that I trusted in God and believed that I could live on very little, all while I had savings in a bank account and everything going my way.  It was at that moment that I came to understand that trusting God is like that trapeze artist letting go.  You make plans, you prepare but you must also trust that God will guide you in the right direction, protect you from making serious mistakes and have mercy on you when you do.  True happiness does come from letting go and trusting.  Perfect plans are usually anti-climatic anyway.  What’s the fun in knowing how everything ends?  It is more exciting to be prepared and let God guide you, test you and lead you. 

We stuck it out in that business for another three years.  When Miranda was about two and a half and we were about to have Safaa, my cousin Vafa showed up as reinforcement.  When even with his business savvy, we could see that there wasn't much future in that business, we thought about coming back to the States.  But luckily, we remembered the lesson learned from the trapeze artist and decided to stick it out.  Because it is one thing to venture out into the unknown, fully prepared and with a savings account to back you up.  It is another level altogether to fully trust.  We made up our mind to stay and for Ben to start consulting as an engineer.  Few days after that decision was made, one of his American clients walked into the computer store.  Ben mentioned that he was thinking of leaving the shop and going out on his own to consult.  The guy told him to come out and interview with his mining company.  He did, got the job and worked for them for the rest of our time in Venezuela. 

And, because we had learned to trust in God’s will, we ended up with a fourth child.  Ben got to chose his name. 

What Do You Like about Yourself? By Andrea

What do you like best about yourself?  While perusing the internet, I came across this question on multiple pages so I decided to give it some thought.  Like most people, there are plenty of lines in my story that I would like to change- my waistline, my bust-line, my bottom line, just to name a few. Overall, though, I think I have a fairly healthy self view.  I like me. I am a ‘glass half-full’ kind of girl by nature, and I like that about myself.  

But as I thought and wrote about this more, I remembered a line from one of my September journal entries I just reread a few days ago: I think my optimism and idealism, my hope and ‘look for the good in others’ mindset has gotten me into trouble yet again.  I can clearly recall my emotional state of unrest and anxiety in the taxing, overwhelming situation about which I was writing.  I was also very frustrated that I could not turn off the Pollyanna in me. I was angry that I could not communicate what I was feeling rather than what I believed. 

During that time everyone kept telling me about how great it was that I could keep 'such a positive, gracious, hopeful attitude’. All I really wanted was a reprieve, relief from the stress, for someone to rescue me from the mayhem and foolishness. I prayed for God to remove the burden. I hoped for the problem to just disappear. I wanted someone else to see that I was wilting, instead people said things like ‘way to keep persevering’, ‘way to be a problem-solver, ‘thanks for looking for gems rather than stones.’  I wanted to be able to say “This really stinks!  It’s really hard, and I really CANNOT handle it!”. But that is not how I am known. People expect me to give my all, to be faithful, prayerful and to stay in the fight until something changes- for the better. The truth is and always has been that I expect this of myself, too. Even in the middle of all the woes and anxieties, I could not stop believing that things would get better.  I could not stop searching for answers.  I could not give up or give in. I could not communicate that my glass was half-empty because that’s not really what I believed.

I know God is at work.  I know that hope is a game-changer and love does conquer all.  I believe there is a solution to every problem, a possibility for growth and change for even the most challenging of us. I guess the thing I like best about myself is that I am a perpetual optimist with a desire to see and to do good in my little world.  Yes, this view does get me into trouble sometimes- making people think I can handle a lot more than I maybe actually can or should.  Over time, I have grown a little less idealistic than in my youth.  I know that life does not always go the way I believe it will, no matter how much I believe. Nonetheless, I also know that having a positive, proactive outlook makes a greater impact than the opposite approach.  Looking for the best gives me strength to keep going.  So here I am- staying the course, pursuing hope and embracing optimism.  I think I look pretty good in rose-colored glasses.

Epilogue:

For each of us there is something unique that we add to the world. We have all heard it before.  It is true!  Rather than self-deprecating, spend a few minutes self-appreciating. What is it about you that you like best?  Chances are appreciating yourself will cause you to be more of yourself. Being yourself may invite challenges or obstacles.  It may get you into trouble sometimes.  You can handle it.  By being more of yourself, you will empower others to do the same.  And without even having to try very hard, you’ll have made your world a better place.  Simply by being you.

-Andrea

Life is an echo.  What you send out, comes back. What you sow, you reap.  What you give, you get. What you see in others, exists in you.  - Zig Ziglar

Apples to Apples

I drew a picture of an apple once.  For a friend of mine who was feeling down about being the only one in our high school freshman group that did not have a boyfriend.    That might sound a little odd, but I didn’t know how else to make her feel better, so I decided to draw an apple.  The apple was small, but the only thing on the paper, so it made the luscious red apple standout.  I talked with her as I drew my chosen fruit with care and detail, along with a stem and a leaf to finish off my drawing. 

            I explained to her that she was like this apple.  Full of life, and flavor.  She had so much to offer, and anyone who even took the time to “take a bite” and get to know her, would be enriched by it.  She has such a passion for everything, and was always smiling and happy, and fiery, like the red dressing of the fruit on the page.  I explained that the boys she was fussing over and worrying about where like the stem of the apple.   Sure it was nice to have, but not having it did not in any way remove the value or worth of the apple.  The apple was still worth having, and a great choice for your health.   Just like she was worth more than words can express.  And the simple fact that she did not have a boyfriend did not make her anymore special. 

            Sometimes I struggle with remembering my own advice.  The harsh words of someone I care about can make me question my worth so easily.  Even strangers, and their judgmental stares of how I chose to raise my kids, or how bad I am at mowing my grass, makes me wonder about my value as a person.  I know I am far from perfect, but when other people seem to agree with me, it makes it that much harder to see myself as that red, vibrant apple.  The young, idealistic me would be very upset with my easily influenced self-perception.  She would say to tear off the stem of self-doubt, negativity, deconstructive criticism, and believe in my value to the very core.   I think its great advice, that on a daily, moment-to-moment basis I must chose to remember, and then follow-through.   ~E

Parenting Grown Ups

By: Susan 

My third child just left for college.  Now I have three children that are technically, and for all practical purposes, adults.  And in my experience, parenting adult children does not get any easier.  I find myself looking for as much guidance as when I had newborn babies and didn’t know what to do with them.  I lay awake at night and think about their lives, their happiness and their choices.  This is way worse than been kept awake by toddlers who wanted to watch Toy Story in the middle night of the night.  One book I read was called Walking on Eggshells, and I have to say that is a very apt description of parenting adults.  The main advice from that book was: “Shut you mouth and keep the door open.”  It is easier said than done, especially the shutting your mouth part.  As much as I try,  I can’t seem to be able to restrain myself from wanting to know that they are safe and happy at all times.  So I call and text often, asking:   “where are you?” “Did you make it home alright?” and “Are you ok?”  (My son wrote a song about that one, warning me not to ask if he was ok.)  Technology has been a great help.  I have all four of them on the Find My Friend App (with their permission, of course) and now can tell whether they have made it home all right.  When they travel, Kayak is my friend.  I can track their flights and even help them find their gates better than the airline personnel.  Last December, both my older son and daughter were traveling separately to other countries.  There were delayed flights and lost luggage and I was using my iPad, my phone and my computer to track everything.  My brother made fun of me and my “command center”.  I try not to say things that they probably already know and have thought about.  But often doubt creeps in:  What if they don’t know they shouldn’t leave the dryer running when they leave the house, or that they need to click that button to pay their tuition with financial aid before the deadline. 

What helps keep me in line is that I am myself the adult child of my mother.  I know that she is trying her hardest to adjust to being the mother of two adult children.  She has been trying for over 30 years!  Which makes me think that maybe it is the way it is.  I know that when my mother calls me to recommend a solution to a problem, a remedy for an illness or a warning to prevent a catastrophe, she is doing it out of love and concern and not because she thinks I am incompetent.  I hope my children know that too. 

The other piece of adult parenting advice I heard was at the recent parent orientation I attended at the University of Texas.  Dr. David Laude, the Dean of Student Affairs, after sharing his own personal story, told us to “be there when it matters.”  I know for sure that my mother was there when it mattered most to me, which was after the birth of every one of my four children.  I lived out of the country and each time I was about to deliver a baby, she would come and stay at least a month with us and do what no one else could.

I have always respected my children’s intelligence and wisdom, even when they were small children.  So I don’t worry about them because I think they can’t take care of themselves; I worry because there is so much uncertainty in this world.  I hope that I can be there for them when it matters.  There is no question that the door will always be open for them.  I cannot, however, make any promises about keeping my mouth shut.

What if... by Andrea

1. ...as we encounter people who rub us the wrong way (think- something said, facial expressions, or choices made etc.), we think 'This person is up against life just as I am, let me give grace rather than a piece of my mind.'

2. ...each of us accepts responsibility for our actions- great and small.  Rather than blame-shifting, justifying or simply ignoring, we look our poor choices square in the eyes, grab them by the horn, own them, learn from and change them.

3. ...rather than getting even we get involved.  What if we stop negative, toxic thinking and speech before it has time to give birth to negative toxic action?  What if we get curious?

4. ... rather than giving up on people, we persevere with them. We accepted a few more challenges rather than shying away from getting in the thick of one another's messy lives.

5. ...we stood up for what we believe in and engage in real conversations with one another about those beliefs.  Today, it seems that everyone phrases everything to be as non- confrontational as possible for fear that there may be push-back.  What if we pushed back respectfully if you think differently?  I mean, is it really offensive to share your beliefs about the best way to boil an egg?

6. ...we hug people.  I live in the South.  Hugging is normal.  I am not usually super affectionate, but I love an impromptu hug especially from people I do not expect it from. It's not uncommon here to get hugs at work, even from one's boss.  I have new co-workers this year. I got a good morning hug from one last week which really helped me to feel even more connected to her.  Another colleague said 'I love you.' as I walked away from a conversation.  That made me pause and reply in kind.  It didn't feel weird or out of place at all.  It felt like connection and family and community. What would our communities be like if we honored the connection we share with one another some times rather than being so self-conscious and politically correct?

7. ...we laugh at ourselves... at our struggles, at our shortcomings and our successes.  One of my dear friends here at Writing Four Lives often reminds me to put no stock in praise or criticism. Take them both in stride.   I can take myself way too seriously at times. I take other people way too seriously most of the time. My 92 year old grandmother is an expert at laughing.  I am convinced it has added years to her life and life to her years.  She is such a joy to be around and has the best perspective on life of anyone I know. I want to be like her before I grow up.

8. ... we live without regrets.  How would your story be different if you knew that in the end you would be victorious?  What if we live like that even without knowing how it will end?

9. ...the things we think about regularly but never share would change someone else's thoughts, beliefs, trajectory in life?  What if we added our vulnerable, thoughtful voices to the conversations around us?  What might be different?

10. ...we all, everyone of us, invested ourselves in someone else, especially a young person?  What if we decided to be a champion in the life of an underdog?  Hmmm, I wonder how the energy in our communities would change?

These are just a few of my random thoughts, collected as I sit quietly listening in on the conversations going on inside my head as I search my own heart or observe interactions between human beings.  As I worked on another piece of writing earlier this week, I remembered that I have always been a daydreamer.  "What ifs" are usually the thoughts of children.

What if we grown ups spent a little more time wondering what if ... then make a move? 

-Andrea

The Voice of Truth by Carolyn

On Monday, the first day of school, I heard the radio personalities discussing the topic of what parents say to their children. The female DJ warned, "Be careful how you talk to your children. What you say to them will become the voice in their heads." Scary thought.

I am very sure it is true that what we, as parents, say to our children becomes their inner audiotape.
I made the mistake with my own children of exposing them to "jokes" about them when I talked to other grownups. I won't embarrass my sons now with revealing those jokes, but I wish I had thought more carefully then about how I spoke about my children, as well as how I spoke to them about their capabilities, successes, failures, potential. I want the voices in their heads to tell them they are capable, intelligent, caring, and responsible, and that they can succeed at anything. I hope I erased the "bad talk" I exposed them to with much, much more "good talk".

Not only do parents contribute to their children's audiotapes, but we all contribute to each other's audiotapes. What I say to my friends, co-workers, and family members can become part of the constant stream of self-talk that follows through their thoughts. It behooves me, then, to be very cautious about what I say to others in my life, and how I say it. I do not have the right (or the desire) to be a destructive voice in someone else's head.

Earlier this week, my attention was caught by a poem that my friend and co-blogger, Es, posted on Facebook. The poem begins, "Nobody tells you it is okay to call yourself beautiful." It reminded me that females have a particularly difficult time battling negative self-talk. Our society bombards us with a steady stream of visual representations of feminine beauty that is impossible for most of us to ever achieve. We must be very vigilant about the voices our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, sisters, and wives are hearing. We must provide the thought-stream that tells them, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." (I hope you realize that the grammatical errors are not mine - this is a quote from the movie The Help.)  

Then, I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio, "The Voice of Truth" by the band Casting Crowns, which talks about the voices we hear in our head that tell us that we will never be good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough . . . you name it. The chorus of the song is this:
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will listen and believe 
the voice of truth.

We all have an audiotape that runs through our minds continually, whether we are aware of it or not. This audiotape can be comprised of uplifting, positive, motivating statements; or it can be full of denigrating, negative, poisonous thoughts. I must purposely tune myself into the voice of truth so that I can be who I was intended to be. The voice of truth is the voice of the God who created me with unlimited potential and a future full of possibilities.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14