My mother was incredible: strong, independent, funny, thoughtful, and generous. She was the middle child of seven siblings who were raised on little money and lots of hard work, but likewise lots of affection. Her father was a rancher, her mother a housewife. She attended a small-town "business school", where she studied secretarial skills such as typing and shorthand, and met my father, who was studying bookkeeping there.
She had two children, my older sister and me. In that era most mothers did not work outside of the home. My mother did. She worked as a clerk in government offices for many years, eventually rising in the ranks through her own hard work and dedication. In spite of working outside the home, she still kept the house and cooked and grocery shopped and everything else women were/are expected to do. I have an idea that our home was immaculate, but that may not really have been true. I do know that for many years she vacuumed the house every day, and always had dinner on the table by 6:00. Even though we didn't have much money, she made sure that my sister and I were enrolled in dance lessons, or piano lessons, or whatever we were interested in exploring. Looking back, I realize now what a sacrifice it must have been for her to save enough money to provide us those opportunities, although I took it for granted then.
My parents divorced when I was about eleven, which was quite unusual for the time. I know she was very unhappy about the situation, but she never showed her sadness to us. She suffered silently to protect us from the unpleasantness. Shortly after that, she needed to move us to Dallas to pursue a job opportunity. My sister and I were horrible to her about that move - at our ages (maybe 12 and 14?) we only saw situations by how they affected us, and we were devastated to have to leave our friends. Mom took all of our abuse with dignity and strength.
Mom was universally loved by my friends. When I was a teenager, our house was the cool place to hang out. My friends gathered there regularly, attracted by Mom's easy-going attitude and friendliness. It probably helped that she was single and dating at that time, which made her seem really cool to a bunch of teenagers. She treated them with kindness and consideration.
She used to tell us, "I will trust you until you give me a reason not to." and, "I will say 'yes' to you whenever I can, because there will be so many times I will have to say 'no' to you." She showed great wisdom and reflection and generosity. Sometimes parents go too far one way or the other - too much a dictator or too much a friend. Mom treated us with respect, but also set boundaries for us. She treated us as real people, worthy of her respect, and she expected respect from us as well.
Although she had no college education herself (nor did anyone in our family), Mom always encouraged my sister and me to follow whatever our dreams for our future might be. It was always assumed that we would go to college. I never felt any limitation on what my mother thought I could do or become. She made me believe that I could do whatever I decided to do with my life. I know that she was very proud when I graduated from college and when I earned a Masters degree. But she did tell me, "I don't want to hear you complain about how little you earn as a teacher - you knew that when you entered the profession!"
Mom had some physical problems that led to her being retired because of disability by the age of 40. Through her ever-present pain and limited mobility, she smiled and laughed and enjoyed her life. I vividly remember a conversation we had driving back from an extended-family Christmas gathering. She said, "If I had my life to live over again, I wouldn't change a thing." I was incredulous. An arduous childhood, a troubled and failed marriage, years of pain and limited mobility, always limited money, yet she was grateful for all of it. It made her a strong and tender woman.
When I was 26, with an almost-two-year-old toddler and very pregnant with my second child, my mother unexpectedly passed away. She was only 50. For over 30 years now, I have missed her hugs, her love, her sage advice. I have missed her advice as I have raised my own children and gone through my own ups and downs in life. My children have missed the opportunity to have such a loving, generous woman as their grandmother. And now my grandchildren are missing the chance to be loved by a sweet, funny, quirky great-grandmother. More times than I can count, I have ached to ask her opinion or seek her counsel or have her just listen as I poured out my heart. I haven't been able to do that, so I have done the best I could without her (with lots of help from my sister and my friends). I hope she would be proud of the mother and grandmother I have become. I know without a doubt that she would adore my children and grandchildren. She had so much love to give.
I miss her terribly, but I am so grateful that I had her in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment