The Greatest Rewards

by: Susan

Laws of nature dictate that there be a consequence for every action. When it comes to raising humans we the grownups often feel obliged to impose those consequences in forms of reward and punishment. Often, the natural consequences offer the best “punishment” but what of the rewards? How do you reward good behavior in a manner that is respectful and commensurate with the degree of effort required. For example, how do you reward kindness? How many stickers is enough to recognize a child who is kind by nature? How many more for the one who has to work really hard at it? What about reading? How much ice cream or pizza equals the pleasure of reading The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane or Charlotte's Web?

Here are what I think the greatest rewards all humans, big and small long for:

Being listened to - We are all looking for someone who will listen to us and listen deeply. Not listen to offer a solution, not listen to criticize or minimize our concerns. Not even listen and then sympathize. Just listen.

Being Heard - When we hear someone, we consider their point of view with compassion and without prejudice. It may even require some sort of action on our part. There is no gift greater than saying to someone: I hear your point of view, I hear your hurt and this is what I’ll do to show you that I heard.

The ultimate reward, however, is understanding. Not just being understood by those who listen and hear us but this ever expanding understanding of the world around us, the answers to our questions about math, science, nature, love, or God. Like the time I understood calculus. I did every single exercise in my textbook for fun. It was sublime and spiritual. One of the greatest lessons in parenting I have learned from my husband is to take our children’s questions and intelligence seriously and help them as best as we could to advance in their understanding of this world and its wonders.

It is expedient to offer children trinkets and toys as rewards for good behavior.  It is easy to splurge on an expensive gift to celebrate a special occasion with a partner. But nothing is as priceless, permanent and transformative as giving our loved ones the gifts of listening, hearing and understanding.  I bet even those whose love language is gifts would agree.

Hanlon's Razor

by:  Carolyn

Occam's Razor: The simplest explanation is usually the right one. (Not exactly how it was written down by William of Occam in the Middle Ages, but close enough for our purposes.)

I've heard of Occam's razor as long as I can remember, but I had never heard of Hanlon's Razor until a recent episode of Jeopardy! brought it to my attention.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

While Occam's Razor has its roots in ancient philosophy, Hanlon's Razor is much more recent (1980?), possibly inspired by Murphy's Law ("Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.").

Hearing about Hanlon's razor made me wonder how many times in my life I have assumed someone has intended by their actions (or inactions) to hurt me, when in reality they were not motivated by malice at all, but by a lack of attention or understanding or even indifference - I won’t say “stupidity”.

I would guess that I am not the only person who has occasionally noticed that conversation ceased when I entered a room and was struck by the thought that the people inside must have been talking (unfavorably) about me before I came in. In all probability, the lull in the conversation just happened to coincide with my entrance, and the people involved in the discussion were not thinking of me at all.

I'm probably also not the only person who has become frustrated at hitting red light after red light on a drive (especially when I'm in a hurry) and then decided that the universe is out to get me. "Why is this happening to me?????", I might scream internally (or externally). In reality, the timing of the traffic lights has absolutely nothing to do with me. The computer that controls all that business doesn't even know who I am.

I suspect many of us have had thoughts that our spouse (or child or parent or friend or whatever) does things (or does not do things) just to spite us. "Why does he leave the toilet seat up? He knows that drives me crazy!" "Why does she run the vacuum cleaner right in the middle of my favorite show? She could do that later, but she is purposely doing it now to aggravate me!" "Why did someone drink all of the milk except one tiny sip, and put the carton back in the refrigerator? Everyone knows I need milk for my breakfast cereal! They are trying to drive me batty!"

In reality, probably none of these actions (or inactions) are due to malice, just thoughtlessness, a lack of attention, being wrapped up in our own selves. Next time we feel that others are acting with malice toward us, maybe we should give them some grace and then resolve to be more aware of others when we are moving through our daily lives.