Laws of nature dictate that there be a consequence for every action. When it comes to raising humans we the grownups often feel obliged to impose those consequences in forms of reward and punishment. Often, the natural consequences offer the best “punishment” but what of the rewards? How do you reward good behavior in a manner that is respectful and commensurate with the degree of effort required. For example, how do you reward kindness? How many stickers is enough to recognize a child who is kind by nature? How many more for the one who has to work really hard at it? What about reading? How much ice cream or pizza equals the pleasure of reading The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane or Charlotte's Web?
Here are what I think the greatest rewards all humans, big and small long for:
Being listened to - We are all looking for someone who will listen to us and listen deeply. Not listen to offer a solution, not listen to criticize or minimize our concerns. Not even listen and then sympathize. Just listen.
Being Heard - When we hear someone, we consider their point of view with compassion and without prejudice. It may even require some sort of action on our part. There is no gift greater than saying to someone: I hear your point of view, I hear your hurt and this is what I’ll do to show you that I heard.
The ultimate reward, however, is understanding. Not just being understood by those who listen and hear us but this ever expanding understanding of the world around us, the answers to our questions about math, science, nature, love, or God. Like the time I understood calculus. I did every single exercise in my textbook for fun. It was sublime and spiritual. One of the greatest lessons in parenting I have learned from my husband is to take our children’s questions and intelligence seriously and help them as best as we could to advance in their understanding of this world and its wonders.
It is expedient to offer children trinkets and toys as rewards for good behavior. It is easy to splurge on an expensive gift to celebrate a special occasion with a partner. But nothing is as priceless, permanent and transformative as giving our loved ones the gifts of listening, hearing and understanding. I bet even those whose love language is gifts would agree.
The whole world needs this! Charles Swindoll said, "Everyday we are making deposits into the memory banks of our children," and Frederick Douglass knew "It is eaasier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Susan Hansen understands that what is happening on the outside with a child is indicative of what is going on inside...inside his heart or his head or his soul. And no matter what part is in need- love, patience and keen attention over time is what will be remembered. As I always say, they are not yet who they are going to be... and who they might be depends more on the things you wrote about here than we know! Well-written and much needed. I treasure you, friend!
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