No Caged Bird Here

Captured

Trapped

A cage of my own doing

Unintentional but consistent

Locking the door behind me

After climbing into the enclosure day in and day out

Holding on to the key so tight

The key to let myself be free

I do it to myself

Believing all the negative thrown my way

Nails securing the cage door shut

Too short

Too old

Too fat

Too much of all that is bad

And not enough pieces of things that are good

But not enough for who?  

For them?

Who says?

Stop believing the lies

Stop being your own warden

You hold the key

The key to be free

To embrace the You and to be fine with the Me

Step out of the cage of your own self-doubt

Throw away the key

Swallow it if you have to

Then exhale and release.

Me, Myself and I

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” Malcolm X

            Standing up for yourself, others, or what you believe in takes courage.  It takes strength.  It’s what I try to teach my kids in the classroom and my two kids at home.  If you feel strongly about something, anything, you should defend that.  So, what happens when the need to please others is stronger?  When you worry so much about not hurting a person’s feelings, or upsetting someone, that you allow your own feelings, and thoughts, and maybe even values to be compromised?

By nature I am a peacemaker.  I do not like conflict, and most times I avoid it like the plague.  I fight against all odds to go against the grain sometimes, and I have perfected sugar coating to an art. If anyone has read Divergent you would understand when I say I am a complete Abnegation.   For those who haven’t read it, the book is based on a society made up of different factions or small-organized groups.  Each group values a different virtue.  So there is the Honest, the Selfless, the Peaceful, the Intelligent, and the Brave.  (It’s a pretty good read in my opinion.  If you haven’t read it, you should check it out) Back to the point, I was curious to see which faction I belonged to, and where I would fit it.  After ten questions, the results were in.  I was destined to belong with Abnegation.  I took a few other quizzes, claiming to pick the perfect faction for me, and all said the same thing.  Abnegation was where I belonged.  This particular group values the needs of others above the needs of oneself.  So much so that I’m not really sure they have an opinion about much.  And they definitely avoid conflict.  They also have to wear grey, loose fitting clothing.  The makers of the quizzes obviously have not seen my closet.   It’s not that I don’t have an opinion about things.  I do.  I just second-guess myself.  I question whether I am justified to feel what I feel, and I am very easily swayed. 

Unfortunately after years of this, who is left?  I don’t know to be honest.   I don’t take the time to find out.  Instead I spend my time figuring out how to make sure everyone around me is happy and content.  I don’t really know me.  This past year I have been forced to really look into that.  Into myself.   I’ve learned a little. I’m interested in discovering more.  Here are a few things I have learned:

1.     Investing in myself isn’t selfish.  Its necessary.

2.     It’s ok to say no.  I’m still learning how to do this.  I still don’t like to do it.  But I know that it is ok to say it. 

3.      I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.  Just need to “flex” a little more.

4.     I’m doing the best I can.  I really am.

5.     There is nothing wrong with me.  I do not need to harden up so that life won’t take advantage of me.  It’s ok to see the good instead of the bad. And not always be on the defensive.

6.     I will crumble sometimes.  And I am allowed to do that for a little while.  I just can’t stay that way.

7.     As important as it is to tell my children at school, and at home to stand up for themselves, to be strong, and to have a voice, it is just as important to show them and model it.  

My list will continue to grow on my path to self-discovery.  It might not be the smoothest road, but I am going to enjoy the view along the way.

~Esmer L.

Lost and Found - by Susan

Act 1, Train Station, Arles, France, March 1988

As the train pulls into the station, my husband reaches into his shirt pocket for the Eurail pass that we have been using to travel around Europe for the past month.  Today is the last day we can use it. We will catch a train to Zurich, just to see the Alpes.  We will then take an overnight train to Paris, thus saving on hotel and from Paris we will take a plane to Israel.  Problem is, the pass is not in his pocket!. There are no identifying information on it. Anyone can use it to travel anywhere in Europe. He frantically looks in his other pockets and the accessible parts of our luggage, but the train comes and goes.  As the non-french speaking partner, I stay at the station with our luggage while he goes back to our hotel in search of the missing pass.  An hour or so later he comes back, waving the pass as he approaches.  After searching the room at the little pension where we had been staying, he goes back to the restaurant where we ate the night before.  The restaurant is closed but the owner is sweeping the sidewalk. After hearing about the lost pass, he retrieves it from his cash register where he has kept it safely.  Apparently, Ben had dropped it when he went to pay the bill.

Act 2, The Market, New Delhi, India, April 1988

I reach in my purse for my credit card to pay for a pair of sandals and it's not there!  Quickly Ben and I retrace our steps mentally and realize that the last time we used the card was over an hour ago at a restaurant for lunch.  We race back to the hotel where the restaurant was located, all the while imagining the worst.  A quick inquiry brings out the waiter who had served us, bearing the credit card on a silver tray as if it were the last course of our meal.  All is well!  

Act 3, A Friend's House, Barquisimeto, Venezuela, December 1998

Baby Kent needs changing, so I go searching for my backpack to get a diaper.  He is our fourth child and we have done away with the niceties of carrying diaper bags and other baby paraphernalia when we travel.  I have been using my rugged backpack as an all in one diaper bag/ purse/carry on.  That means that it also contains all of our passports, marriage license and birth certificates.  We are on a trip with several stops along the way.  The last one will be the American Embassy in Caracas to get Kent's passport.  The last time I had the backpack was on the taxi we took from the bus terminal to my friend's house.  But we arrived a couple of hours ago and until I noticed the need for the diaper change, I did not realize the bag was missing.  When you have four kids under the age of eight and have been travelling all day, you tend to misplace things.  Ben and my friend's husband drive back to the terminal in search of the missing backpack.  The chances of finding it are pretty slim.  No one wants to think of the consequences of losing all those documents and having to replace them.  An hour later, they return.  Ben is empty handed.  But he quickly turns around to show the backpack!  At the bus terminal they are told that the taxi we took was a "pirate" one, meaning a guy working on his own and not part of an official line.  No one knows him and doesn't think he is coming back to the terminal that night.  As they are leaving the parking lot, the driver does come back.  He has not seen the bag and since leaving us at our destination, has given rides to several other people.  Ben still inspects the back seat where I had been sitting and sure enough the back pack is under the seat, untouched.  

I don't tell these stories to brag about my travels or admit to my distraction and absent-mindedness.  To me they are examples of moments where I could lose but instead found hope in the goodness of humanity.  They remind me that most people, regardless of geography and circumstances, will do the right thing.  And that is a nice reminder every once in a while in a world where humanity gets a bad rap because of the actions of a minority.  We need to hire a better PR person to counter every story of human failure with one much more powerful of love and kindness which is out there. Maybe then entire businesses such as some reality shows would not be dedicated to showing some of us behaving badly and the rest of us watching and drawing pleasure from it.  

Act 4, gas station, Cedar Park, Texas, November 2011

I arrive at the University of Texas for a day-long seminar.  My cell phone rings and it is the secretary of the elementary school where I work.  She tells me that someone brought my wallet to the school because they found it at the gas station where I had stopped earlier that morning to put air in my tires. The kind neighbor then took it to my house and gave it to my husband who brought it to me.

-Susan