Me, Myself and I

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” Malcolm X

            Standing up for yourself, others, or what you believe in takes courage.  It takes strength.  It’s what I try to teach my kids in the classroom and my two kids at home.  If you feel strongly about something, anything, you should defend that.  So, what happens when the need to please others is stronger?  When you worry so much about not hurting a person’s feelings, or upsetting someone, that you allow your own feelings, and thoughts, and maybe even values to be compromised?

By nature I am a peacemaker.  I do not like conflict, and most times I avoid it like the plague.  I fight against all odds to go against the grain sometimes, and I have perfected sugar coating to an art. If anyone has read Divergent you would understand when I say I am a complete Abnegation.   For those who haven’t read it, the book is based on a society made up of different factions or small-organized groups.  Each group values a different virtue.  So there is the Honest, the Selfless, the Peaceful, the Intelligent, and the Brave.  (It’s a pretty good read in my opinion.  If you haven’t read it, you should check it out) Back to the point, I was curious to see which faction I belonged to, and where I would fit it.  After ten questions, the results were in.  I was destined to belong with Abnegation.  I took a few other quizzes, claiming to pick the perfect faction for me, and all said the same thing.  Abnegation was where I belonged.  This particular group values the needs of others above the needs of oneself.  So much so that I’m not really sure they have an opinion about much.  And they definitely avoid conflict.  They also have to wear grey, loose fitting clothing.  The makers of the quizzes obviously have not seen my closet.   It’s not that I don’t have an opinion about things.  I do.  I just second-guess myself.  I question whether I am justified to feel what I feel, and I am very easily swayed. 

Unfortunately after years of this, who is left?  I don’t know to be honest.   I don’t take the time to find out.  Instead I spend my time figuring out how to make sure everyone around me is happy and content.  I don’t really know me.  This past year I have been forced to really look into that.  Into myself.   I’ve learned a little. I’m interested in discovering more.  Here are a few things I have learned:

1.     Investing in myself isn’t selfish.  Its necessary.

2.     It’s ok to say no.  I’m still learning how to do this.  I still don’t like to do it.  But I know that it is ok to say it. 

3.      I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.  Just need to “flex” a little more.

4.     I’m doing the best I can.  I really am.

5.     There is nothing wrong with me.  I do not need to harden up so that life won’t take advantage of me.  It’s ok to see the good instead of the bad. And not always be on the defensive.

6.     I will crumble sometimes.  And I am allowed to do that for a little while.  I just can’t stay that way.

7.     As important as it is to tell my children at school, and at home to stand up for themselves, to be strong, and to have a voice, it is just as important to show them and model it.  

My list will continue to grow on my path to self-discovery.  It might not be the smoothest road, but I am going to enjoy the view along the way.

~Esmer L.

Enough

 She exhales it like the rest of us exhale carbon dioxide.  She breathes it out to the world.  Offering it through her smiles, her kind words, her sweet gestures.  It's so natural for her this thing called love.  She sees the best in people, and only chooses to believe the sun shines even when she can't feel it on her carmel colored face. The day she was born and they handed her to me, I cried. One tiny tear, for the precious gift I knew I held tightly in my arms.  When she opened her emerald eyes in my direction, my breath caught, and I prayed.  I said a prayer of thanksgiving, but also one of guidance.  I was going to need God's help, I knew, to raise this tiny princess.  7 years later, I pray harder for my tender-hearted beauty.  

One day this past year, she was unusally quiet on the drive home.  Very out of character for my chatty daughter, especailly after a full day of first grade.  I noticed her gripping something very tightly in her hand, but I decided to wait it out and give her a chance to talk to me when she was ready.  Sure enough before we got home she began to open up.  What I heard broke my heart for my little girl.  She explained that she had no one to sit with at lunch because her best friends were mad at her.  Her little heart had developed a crush on a very sweet little boy, and they had become very good friends.  Problem was her friends wanted her to sit with them at lunch and play with them at recess, but so did this little boy.  She didn't know what to do, she told me through tears, and both parties ended up mad at her.  What she held so dearly in her hand was a letter to this little boy who was special to her, asking him to please not be mad at her. Apologizing over and over again throughout the letter. It took every ounce of energy to not let my past experiences affect what I said to my vulnerable daugther.  So I took a moment, and prayed. 

We talked about how she had done nothing wrong and did not need to apologize.  We discussed that being in the middle of a situation like this wasn't easy and it wasn't fun, but it also wasn't going to be the last time it would happen.  She understood that it was okay to be her, and any decision she made would be okay because she cared about all of her friends. The next day she came home, like herself.  Chatty, happy, and relaxed.  She talked with her friends, including the little boy, and shared how she had felt.  They communicated better than some adults based on her version of events, and decided to all sit together and play together.  No separation needed.  Joy ruled our car ride home again.  Crisis averted.  First of many I am sure.  

Yes, I still pray for my daughter.  And I will continue to pray for her.  I pray that the world doesn't harden her heart.  I pray that she always sees the good in people even when its buried deep down inside them and it's

hard to notice.  Mostly I pray that she will know her worth and how valuable she is.  That she doesn't have to apologize for being who she is or what she feels.  I pray that she will love regardless of what anyone else says or does.  Because she is so special.  So loved.  And so valuable.

-Esmer