Introducing Me in ABCs -Part 1

A

A woman

A mother

A person

A me

A…which means one.  I am unique and it is ok to admit that.  It isn’t conceited or against the rules.  There is only one of me and there is only one of you.  

Books

I have my own library.  A wall full of books.  Children’s books, self-help books. Books I have read several times, and books I aspire to read.  I love books.  I’m hoping to one day see my name on the spine of a book in my library.

Cha cha

A nickname.  My nickname.  That just so happened to become my actual name for the majority of my early educational years.   The paperwork to be filled out was pretty straightforward. 

“Child’s first name-Esmeralda”

“Middle name”- left blank because I have no middle name, which always left me feeling slightly inadequate and incomplete.

“Last name-Villa”

Easy enough.  Then came the next question…

“Does your child go by another name?” 

Well, yes.  As a matter of fact I did.  
When I was born, my grandmother used to take care of my cousins and I.  My mom and dad were still in college, and luckily my grandmother made herself available to watch us.  I would go down for a nap, and my grandmother would tell my two cousins, who were slightly older to let the baby sleep.  Let the “muchachita,” little girl, sleep.  My cousins being little didn’t quite get the muchachita part all the way out, so it was shortened to chachita.  Which ended up being Cha cha, and it ended up on the little line as my mom registered me for kindergarten as the other name I happen to go by.  Quite a lot easier to say and spell than Esmeralda, so this became my name throughout elementary and all through my junior year in high school.   My friends from Colorado actually still refer to me as Cha cha.

Coffee

I drink coffee.  I love it.  It doesn’t have to be Starbucks contrary to the beliefs of many. (Although I do prefer my skinny vanilla latte)  I take my sips slow and steady.  Savoring every little drop.  When my cup is empty I am actually sad.  Like an actual feeling of sadness courses through my body.  Its more than just a little pick me up.   It’s soothing and calming.  It’s conversation around my grandmother’s table with the most exceptional women I know.  It’s stories, and history.  It’s love. 

Daniel

“So there is this boy, he kind of stole my heart.  He calls me mom.”  Kind of is an understatement.  From the moment he was born, my heart has been on my sleeve.  I am so proud of the young man he is becoming.  I love our conversations, and his hugs.  He will always be my baby, even though he is taller than me now.

Esmeralda

I become Esmeralda again when I moved to Texas.  My family and I moved the summer before my senior year in high school.  I was excited and nervous.  I knew things would be different starting high school my senior year as the new girl.  I also knew I did not want to be Cha cha in Texas.  I wanted to use my actual name.  The name I would write on my papers, and the name I would use to introduce myself would be my name, not a nickname.

Food

I like to eat.  I love food.   Not sure what else there is to say but that.

God

God is good.  All the time.

All the time.  God is good.

I could not make it through my day without Him.

Hernandez Women

I have always said that if I ever have any doubt of God’s love for me, I need only to look at the family I was blessed enough to be born into.   I have been loved by seven of the most giving and precious women.  My grandmother, mother, and five aunts.  I cannot describe how influential they have been for me, or begin to express all the gratitude and love I have for them.  I admire and respect each one.  They are by far the strongest, most God-fearing women I know.

~Esmeralda

Me, Myself and I

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” Malcolm X

            Standing up for yourself, others, or what you believe in takes courage.  It takes strength.  It’s what I try to teach my kids in the classroom and my two kids at home.  If you feel strongly about something, anything, you should defend that.  So, what happens when the need to please others is stronger?  When you worry so much about not hurting a person’s feelings, or upsetting someone, that you allow your own feelings, and thoughts, and maybe even values to be compromised?

By nature I am a peacemaker.  I do not like conflict, and most times I avoid it like the plague.  I fight against all odds to go against the grain sometimes, and I have perfected sugar coating to an art. If anyone has read Divergent you would understand when I say I am a complete Abnegation.   For those who haven’t read it, the book is based on a society made up of different factions or small-organized groups.  Each group values a different virtue.  So there is the Honest, the Selfless, the Peaceful, the Intelligent, and the Brave.  (It’s a pretty good read in my opinion.  If you haven’t read it, you should check it out) Back to the point, I was curious to see which faction I belonged to, and where I would fit it.  After ten questions, the results were in.  I was destined to belong with Abnegation.  I took a few other quizzes, claiming to pick the perfect faction for me, and all said the same thing.  Abnegation was where I belonged.  This particular group values the needs of others above the needs of oneself.  So much so that I’m not really sure they have an opinion about much.  And they definitely avoid conflict.  They also have to wear grey, loose fitting clothing.  The makers of the quizzes obviously have not seen my closet.   It’s not that I don’t have an opinion about things.  I do.  I just second-guess myself.  I question whether I am justified to feel what I feel, and I am very easily swayed. 

Unfortunately after years of this, who is left?  I don’t know to be honest.   I don’t take the time to find out.  Instead I spend my time figuring out how to make sure everyone around me is happy and content.  I don’t really know me.  This past year I have been forced to really look into that.  Into myself.   I’ve learned a little. I’m interested in discovering more.  Here are a few things I have learned:

1.     Investing in myself isn’t selfish.  Its necessary.

2.     It’s ok to say no.  I’m still learning how to do this.  I still don’t like to do it.  But I know that it is ok to say it. 

3.      I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.  Just need to “flex” a little more.

4.     I’m doing the best I can.  I really am.

5.     There is nothing wrong with me.  I do not need to harden up so that life won’t take advantage of me.  It’s ok to see the good instead of the bad. And not always be on the defensive.

6.     I will crumble sometimes.  And I am allowed to do that for a little while.  I just can’t stay that way.

7.     As important as it is to tell my children at school, and at home to stand up for themselves, to be strong, and to have a voice, it is just as important to show them and model it.  

My list will continue to grow on my path to self-discovery.  It might not be the smoothest road, but I am going to enjoy the view along the way.

~Esmer L.