Age Perception by Carolyn

Today is my sister’s birthday. I will not say how old she is, but

I will say that she is older than I am. I am younger than she is.

I was talking about her upcoming birthday with my father the other
day. (He always seems surprised to hear how old we are turning.
I think he considers us still kids - of course that makes him much
younger, too.) I mentioned to him that she used to be happy to be
older than me. Now not so much.

When we were children and teenagers, she lorded it over me, rubbing

it in my face that she was older and I was younger. She had a later
bedtime and more freedom. She never let me forget it. She did everything
first. She went to school, learned to read, went on sleepovers, wore makeup,

shaved her legs, went to the mall with friends, dated, drove a car -

everything first!

When you are young, being older seems to be something to wish for -

we wish to be old enough to spend the night with a friend, or go to camp,

or start school, or date, or drive, or . . . whatever. So much of childhood is

filled with wanting to “bigger” so you can hit the next milestone, kind of like

going to Disneyland and not being quite tall enough on the chart that tells

you, “You must be this tall to ride.”

Things kind of even out in the middle of your life. It doesn’t really matter

who is older and who is younger. You all get to do the adult things you

have yearned to do since you were a kid. You find out adulting is not quite

as much fun as you expected it to be, or maybe just in a different way. You

have all of the perks and the responsibilities of being grown up. Your exact

age isn’t really that important for a few decades. (Although I will admit that

I have never passed up a chance to tell people that my sister is older than

I am since I was out of my 20s!)

Then, at some point, age differences become important again, but differently.

Nowadays, my sister is not so happy to be the older sister. I, however, am

pretty excited about being the younger sister. I take every opportunity to

mention it. I even tell waiters, store clerks, and complete strangers. It is part

of my spiel when I introduce her to people I know. I work it into conversations

in social settings. What goes around comes around.

Whatever joy I derive from being younger than my older sister must be
tempered by the knowledge that we are both getting older and less spry.
We have made a pact to take care of each other as we age. We will take turns
helping each other recover from various surgeries and illnesses. She will help
me put my compression stockings on (a job I happen to know she really enjoys!);
I will help her get up out of the recliner. She will help me find my dentures; I will
help her brush her hair. The infirmities of aging come to all of those who remain
alive. I am heartened by the idea that I will be facing that phase of our lives with
my dear older sister.

Whatever our ages, I am so thankful to have her in my life!

Teach Them Well by Andrea

Being a noticer is a key role of every adult involved in the life of a child.  To aid them in growing into the people they were created to be, we have to become students of our children.  We must really see them.  We have to pay attention to their feelings, actions, what they say and don’t say.  We have to watch their facial expressions and body language when they are with us and as they interact with the world around them.  We need to look for patterns that reveal their joys and strengths, the situations that bring out caution and full-fledged fear, how they interact with loved ones, friends and strangers.  What makes them angry and what makes them sad.  We must do this because they are new on this planet.  They have never grown up before.  How do they know how to be people who make the world more interesting, safe and good. They are learning as they go, and it is our responsibility to teach them how we want them to be (at least until they are able to take responsibility for themselves).  Though they are sentient beings with inherent temperaments, personalities and predispositions, children show up in the world influenced by who we have shown them to be, both directly and indirectly.  We have to know them to help them begin to know themselves.

When we adults in charge of nurturing kids do not study their God-given qualities and guide them toward self-awareness and participation in the moral, social, and familial structures and value-systems of their communities, we forfeit the right to lament and woe about their attitudes, actions and moods.

Recently, I heard a parent remark that her young child is mean. I asked if she was okay with that.  When she answered no, I offered that it was not a given that any child has to be mean.  Her parents can teach her to think and act more kindly now than they will be able to in about 10 more years.  This does not dishonor the child’s natural temperament.  Maybe she is more serious, less gregarious, than some other kids.  She can still be kind.  Maybe she is shy around people she doesn’t know well, and it manifests itself as aggression.  She can still learn to manage anxiety and treat others the way she might expect to be treated. All of these are things the adults in her life are responsible for showing her.  They can’t make her be kind, but they can surely teach it, model it and expect it.  Children are human beings just like us, never perfect, sometimes given to negative actions, attitudes and moods.  That’s not a reason to leave them unto themselves to learn how to be human.  And most children come around eventually if we are consistent about teaching them how to be rather than simply how to behave.

So rather than judging and labeling their behavior, let’s cultivate more curiosity about what we see by asking better questions. For example, when we ask “Why is this child so mean?”, our brains will automatically come up with answers that make sense- answers which justifies the question.  Her mom is mean, too. She has always been this way. She is allowed to do and say whatever she wants.  Her parents never tell her no so she is entitled. Notice, however, none of these offer any help in improving the circumstances.  If instead we ask,  “How can I help this child learn to speak more respectfully?”, your brain will automatically move into problem-solving mode.  This unlocks the wisdom you have about the child and how you want the child’s life to work.  (The chart below gives more examples of questions that might better serve our children.)

As we strive to lead future generations of people who will make our world a better place, let's be visionaries who are intentional, empathic and curious.  

See the good in the people we're raising as we aim to raise good people!

-Andrea

The questions on the right side of the table are closed and have an inherent negative belief woven into them. Our brains will automatically go to work looking for the answers which prove the belief to be true.  Asking the questions on the left side instead is inherently more empowering and promotes possibilities for growth and change. 

The better the question, the better the answer.  

Ask This...	Not That...
How can I help her learn XYZ?	Why can’t she learn XYZ?
What could I do to help/ to teach him be more or less ______?	Why is this child like this?
What do I know about this child? What are her strengths, and how can I promote those?	Why isn’t she like So and So?
What can I teach this child to help him learn more self-control/ self-management?	Why is this child out-of-control?  Why does this child act like this?
What does this child need right now?  How can I help her to be successful in this moment? The next time ____ happens?	What is wrong with this child?
She can do __________, so how can I help her learn to do _________?	She can’t do ____________.
What have I noticed bringing this child joy? (peace, pride, success etc.)	Why is this child so angry? (melancholy, anxious etc.)
What will help this child be able to ______? (take turns, make friends, be kind, work hard, stay focused etc.)	Why is this child having such a hard time ______? (taking turns, making friends, being kind, working hard, staying focused etc.)
What am I doing for this child to help him or her to be/ to do ________?	Am I doing the right thing for this child?
How can I provide what the child needs and still keep his and the family’s name and dignity in tact?	Why does this child not have _______? (possession or resource)
What am I teaching this child?	What is this child being taught by So & So, at home, at school etc? Why does this child not know ___?

-Andrea

Deeds Not Words by Susan

My father never told me: “I love you” or “Happy birthday!”.  But not for one moment did I ever doubt his love and devotion to me. He was a man of deeds. I’ve written about how he demonstrated his love by helping me with my school work, spending time alone with me and showing me the world. I’ve also written about the life lessons he left me as a legacy.  Tonight, on the eve of yet another anniversary of his passing from this physical plane, I want to write about how he loved his grandchildren.  

For eleven years, his grandchildren lived outside of the US and would only visit for a month or so during summer vacations.  But for those few weeks, my parents would transform their house into a children’s zone.  All decorative items, furniture with sharp edges and dangerous objects would be removed.  My father would clear his calendar of everything except his afternoon nap.  From sunrise to sundown and beyond (because these kids never went to sleep) he would play with them.  The days would start with him preparing morsels of bread with butter and honey, served with sweet tea.  One after another, they would sit on his lap or on the chair next to him and he would feed them.  This practice continued until his death when the children were way past feeding age. 

 A performer himself, he loved and encouraged their theatrical antics. There are numerous videos of them jumping on furniture, dancing and singing in three languages.  Pillows and blankets would pile in the middle of the living room for all kinds of pretend play.  I don’t remember him ever buying them a toy, but he did rescue a play kitchen from somewhere, cleaned it up and spent hours playing restaurant or store with them.   

What he did treat them to were fruits.  There were always several snack breaks where he would serve them cut up apples or oranges.  But his speciality was watermelon.  He was known for his talent in picking out the best watermelons.  Often he would be seen in the produce section with two shopping carts, one to put the watermelon he was going to buy and the other to place all the other ones he had to remove to get to the good one.  The children especially loved the bowl that would be left over after the watermelon was cut.  They would dig into it with a spoon to get the last available flesh.

One of my father’s wishes was to put together a dance performance that involved the whole family.  In 2004, a few months before his passing, he choreographed a Persian folk dance that included him, my brother and my four children.  (He knew not to ask me!) My mother sewed the beautiful costumes and they performed at a Naw Ruz (Baha’i and Iranian New Year) Celebration.  I know that at the time, my children aged 14 all the way down to 5 years old, did not particularly want to participate in such a project. But they good naturedly went along.  It is one of the most precious memories we have of my father in his final days.

This morning I sent an urgent text to all four of them, now living in all four corners of this world.  I asked them to tell me in a word or two what their Baba Joon meant to them.  I expected to hear reminiscences about eating noon ba kareh ba asal or playing with watermelons.  But this is what they said: 

“. . .from him I learned about integrity and hard work, doing the right thing without expectation of recognition.” 

“ . . . He represents what it means to be dedicated to your family and make sacrifices for them to have a better life. I think most about what it took for him to bring you all from Iran and to start a new life.” 

“He taught us about integrity and justice.  He also demonstrated the importance of having an upright character and how people remember you for it even after you pass away.” 

“Baba joon taught me to be happy and joyful.”

My father left us fourteen years ago.  It warms my heart to know that my children have such profound memories of him. As the years go by, I continue to feel his presence in our lives and his promise to care for us and watch over us.

Manners

I recently took my dog to a puppy manners class.  He is a three month old goldendoodle named Moose. Sweet as pie, and highly spirited.  Right now I am able to walk him no problem, but once he gets older and bigger and stronger, he might be a little more difficult to control.  I figured in the long run it would help me help Moose live his best life, plus everyone needs to have manners.

After the group introductions, we learned how to use a clicker to teach our puppies to sit.  Moose was a star student because we had already been working on that at home. (Proud momma!)  As we were practicing the clicking the behavior, and then rewarding the behavior with a treat, the instructor said something that made me feel a little guilty.  She said that we, as adults, are so used to saying no. No and don’t are typical responses when the pups do something we don’t want them to do. It’s easier to focus on the negative aspect than to change our language to something more positive and productive.  For example, when Moose is barking constantly I tend to tell him no or stop it. As opposed to, quiet Moose or calm. Same outcome, different technique.

I started feeling guilty because I know I tend to do this to myself as well.  I tend to focus on negative aspects, rather than change my language to something more productive.  I say things like, “you can’t do that.” “You will never be able to do such and such.” “Why can’t you get it together?”  When I am struggling with something a “you’re stupid” sneaks in. Yes these are actual things that come into my head and even out of my mouth at times.  How sad, and how horrible to have the person who you are around most of the time, yourself, be so negative. Even if they are not verbalized, and it’s all in your head, it is still exhausting to carry that around.  I have a daughter and a son, and I would be broken-hearted and irate if they did that to themselves.

Years and years of doing this isn’t easy to break in a day, but if we switch the language we use then that’s a start.  

I can’t can become I am working on it.

Why can’t you get it together can become I am doing the best I can.

My friends, be kind to yourself.  Nothing is perfect. Life gets hard.  Things can seem overwhelming. Let’s plants seeds of positivity within ourselves.  After all, it’s good manners.

~Esmeralda