Teach Them Well by Andrea

Being a noticer is a key role of every adult involved in the life of a child.  To aid them in growing into the people they were created to be, we have to become students of our children.  We must really see them.  We have to pay attention to their feelings, actions, what they say and don’t say.  We have to watch their facial expressions and body language when they are with us and as they interact with the world around them.  We need to look for patterns that reveal their joys and strengths, the situations that bring out caution and full-fledged fear, how they interact with loved ones, friends and strangers.  What makes them angry and what makes them sad.  We must do this because they are new on this planet.  They have never grown up before.  How do they know how to be people who make the world more interesting, safe and good. They are learning as they go, and it is our responsibility to teach them how we want them to be (at least until they are able to take responsibility for themselves).  Though they are sentient beings with inherent temperaments, personalities and predispositions, children show up in the world influenced by who we have shown them to be, both directly and indirectly.  We have to know them to help them begin to know themselves.

When we adults in charge of nurturing kids do not study their God-given qualities and guide them toward self-awareness and participation in the moral, social, and familial structures and value-systems of their communities, we forfeit the right to lament and woe about their attitudes, actions and moods.

Recently, I heard a parent remark that her young child is mean. I asked if she was okay with that.  When she answered no, I offered that it was not a given that any child has to be mean.  Her parents can teach her to think and act more kindly now than they will be able to in about 10 more years.  This does not dishonor the child’s natural temperament.  Maybe she is more serious, less gregarious, than some other kids.  She can still be kind.  Maybe she is shy around people she doesn’t know well, and it manifests itself as aggression.  She can still learn to manage anxiety and treat others the way she might expect to be treated. All of these are things the adults in her life are responsible for showing her.  They can’t make her be kind, but they can surely teach it, model it and expect it.  Children are human beings just like us, never perfect, sometimes given to negative actions, attitudes and moods.  That’s not a reason to leave them unto themselves to learn how to be human.  And most children come around eventually if we are consistent about teaching them how to be rather than simply how to behave.

So rather than judging and labeling their behavior, let’s cultivate more curiosity about what we see by asking better questions. For example, when we ask “Why is this child so mean?”, our brains will automatically come up with answers that make sense- answers which justifies the question.  Her mom is mean, too. She has always been this way. She is allowed to do and say whatever she wants.  Her parents never tell her no so she is entitled. Notice, however, none of these offer any help in improving the circumstances.  If instead we ask,  “How can I help this child learn to speak more respectfully?”, your brain will automatically move into problem-solving mode.  This unlocks the wisdom you have about the child and how you want the child’s life to work.  (The chart below gives more examples of questions that might better serve our children.)

As we strive to lead future generations of people who will make our world a better place, let's be visionaries who are intentional, empathic and curious.  

See the good in the people we're raising as we aim to raise good people!

-Andrea

The questions on the right side of the table are closed and have an inherent negative belief woven into them. Our brains will automatically go to work looking for the answers which prove the belief to be true.  Asking the questions on the left side instead is inherently more empowering and promotes possibilities for growth and change. 

The better the question, the better the answer.  

Ask This...	Not That...
How can I help her learn XYZ?	Why can’t she learn XYZ?
What could I do to help/ to teach him be more or less ______?	Why is this child like this?
What do I know about this child? What are her strengths, and how can I promote those?	Why isn’t she like So and So?
What can I teach this child to help him learn more self-control/ self-management?	Why is this child out-of-control?  Why does this child act like this?
What does this child need right now?  How can I help her to be successful in this moment? The next time ____ happens?	What is wrong with this child?
She can do __________, so how can I help her learn to do _________?	She can’t do ____________.
What have I noticed bringing this child joy? (peace, pride, success etc.)	Why is this child so angry? (melancholy, anxious etc.)
What will help this child be able to ______? (take turns, make friends, be kind, work hard, stay focused etc.)	Why is this child having such a hard time ______? (taking turns, making friends, being kind, working hard, staying focused etc.)
What am I doing for this child to help him or her to be/ to do ________?	Am I doing the right thing for this child?
How can I provide what the child needs and still keep his and the family’s name and dignity in tact?	Why does this child not have _______? (possession or resource)
What am I teaching this child?	What is this child being taught by So & So, at home, at school etc? Why does this child not know ___?

-Andrea