Embracing the "Weird"

It was the end of a busy day, at the end of a long week, and I was looking forward to relaxing completely with my little family!  We filed into our favorite row at the movie theater, and got situated passing out cups of popcorn.  Once everyone had what they needed, I headed to the bathroom, with my daughter in tow, to change out of my heels and into something more comfortable. 

As I am finishing up, I let out sigh of relief but stop mid breath.

“Sophia, do you think people will think I am weird because I walked in wearing a dress, and now I am wearing shorts and a tee shirt?”

Using her vast experience, and 8 years of wisdom she comments, “Maybe mommy, but who cares?  Everyone is a little weird in their own way.”

I feel a little silly after her comment.  I am the mother.  It is my job to teach and model to my daughter the truly important things in life.  Being kind.  Respecting other people.  Keeping your word.  Showing integrity.  I want her to be a strong, loving woman who is sure about herself and her worth.  I want her to feel confident in whom she is as a person.  Not because of what she wears on the outside or what others think of her. 

I remember being that sure of myself once.  I wasn’t worried about how I was perceived by others because it never crossed my mind that someone might think something negative about me.  It just wasn’t on the radar.  I wondered to myself how I got this way. How I allowed the opinions of others to make me question myself.  People will always have an opinion about what I do or how I do it, whether positive or negative, its still there.  Looming over like a gray cloud.  The trick is to know you.  To pull out the umbrella of truth, and let the comments or messages not soak you and leave you cold.   Instead, play in the puddles of criticism, and show others how fun it can be.

In the little bathroom stall, as I am placing my clothes back into my pink and black bag, I am proud of my little wise young lady.  I know society, and outside influences will already be speaking messages of inadequacy, as my girl gets older.  I want to model a different message.  I want to show her that it is ok to be who you are, because everyone is unique and special, and as she so eloquently put it, a little weird in his or her own way. 

           

I walk out and I embrace my little bundle of uniqueness.  I look up to her, while I look down at her smile.  And we walk out, hand in hand, confident and secure. 

~Esmer

A Listicle of Listicles by Carolyn

My writing sisters and I have each committed to write a listicle for this round of blog posts. As you might suspect, a listicle is an article in the form of a list. I encounter listicles most often in magazines ("The Top Ten Things to Do When You Visit Cape Cod"), but they certainly live elsewhere, made famous (at least to me) on late-night television talk/variety shows ("The Top Ten Reasons We Love/Hate So-and-So").

Last weekend I discussed this writing assignment with my younger son. He is an excellent collaborator when I need to generate ideas, so I seized the opportunity to talk through this with him while I had him captive on a road trip.  Between the starting point and the ending point of our journey, we brainstormed quite a hefty list of possible listicles! Now the problem becomes not, "What can I possibly write about?", but "How do I choose what to write about?"

So, taking the coward's way out, I present my listicle of possible listicles (in no particular order except that this is how they fell out of my head onto the paper):

The top ten . . . 

• things I've learned since turning 50
• things I've learned as the parent of grown children
• things I wish I had done
• things I wish I could still do
• reasons I miss my mother
• reasons I miss my grandmother
• careers I might have enjoyed
• jobs that should exist but don't
• jobs of the future
• things I would spend money on if I had any
• moments that make my heart beat faster (in a good way)
• types of women I would like to be but am not
• reasons I should have been a cowgirl
• reasons I love my job
• parenting mistakes I made
• qualities I am looking for in a soulmate
• reasons I'm glad I live in Texas
• reasons I love Ireland
• holidays that should exist but don't
• things I used to do but am too cautious to do now
• best bumper stickers I've ever seen
• physical traits I wish I had
• physical traits I am very glad I don't have
• most significant moments of my life
• best ranch names
• talents I wish I had
• streets I don't want to live on because they have stupid names
• dissertations I could write based on life experiences
• words that should be in the dictionary but aren't
• most beautiful words in the English language
• stores that should exist
• restaurants that should exist
• theme parks that should exist
• childhood pastimes that have pretty much disappeared
• championships that should exist
• names I'm glad my parents didn't choose for me
• life lessons I have learned from obsessively reading/watching/listening to Pride and Prejudice

If you have read this far, you probably have the potential to create a list of possible listicles for yourself! In fact, I challenge you to do just that. You may find it strangely addictive. Post your ideas in a comment here on our blog. Or, if you don't particularly relish the idea of writing a listicle, but you have a deep desire for me to actually write a real listicle about one of the topics above, please feel free to indicate that as well.

Now, my writing sisters might feel that this is not a "real" piece of writing, but I beg their indulgence just this one time - I cannot pick just one!  :)


Thanks, Kyle, for being my sounding board.

A Listicle: Quotes and Reflections on Friends by Andrea

The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.

Hubert H. Humphrey

This list is dedicated to all my friends.  I love you and need you more than words could ever express. If you are reading this and you consider me a friend, know these words are for you.  Thank you for your patient love, generous encouragement and boundless support.  You make me better, and I more than love you.

1. A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are.  -Unknown

I have a friend (or two or 12) who knows pretty much all there is to know about me.  When both pleasant and unpleasant memories surface, and I make some connection to who I am or what I do today, I typically share these with my friend, Not So Easily Shocked.  With this friend, I can process my past, present and possibilities.  They say ‘Confession is good for the soul’- by baring my deepest secrets and fears I am freed from the shallow graves of shame and guilt.  

2. There are some people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger and live just a little bit better. -Unknown

The very first time I spent any significant time with Laughs As Easily as Breathing, we talked into the wee hours of the morning and by talked I mean laughed.  We sat in my car for almost six hours, and each segment of conversation was flavored with hearty, uproarious laughter.  Passersby surely thought we were naughty teens making out in my minivan, the way the vehicle rocked and the windows fogged from our raucous laughter. No matter how serious the topics we must discuss, the tragedies of our lives to share, comedy will reign in the end.  One quality I appreciate most in all of my friends is their willingness to let their hair down and laugh!

3. Hard times will always reveal true friends. -Not Known

Through each decade of my life, I have had to endure challenging circumstances that could have taken me out of life!  For instance, when I found myself pregnant, afraid and ashamed at 16 years old, He and She Who Understands, stood by me without judgment or surprise.  If either thought any less of me, I never knew nor felt it.  Life throws lots of lemons my way, my truest friends join me on the porch for a tall, homemade glass of lemonade.

4. As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends, and more important to have real ones. -Ziad K. Abdelnour

As a true extrovert, I have always had lots and lots of friends. I have counted it a blessing to be able to move from group to group in personal, academic and professional settings and feel included.  Though I view this as a strength and blessing, as I have grown up, I find myself desiring to spend my free time mostly with a few people I know well and who know me- friends I thoroughly enjoy such as She Who Makes Me Think,  She Who Makes Me Laugh, She Who Loves to Talk, She Who Loves to Listen, She Who Is Positive, She Who is Wise, She Who Lets Me Be.

5. True friends are the ones who have nice things to say about you behind your back.  -Unknown

It is so encouraging to meet someone for the first time through a mutual friend or colleague and that person say “I am so glad to meet you! I’ve heard nothing but good things about you from So and So!”  One of my nearest and dearest friends was introduced to me by another friend who thought we would make a good “friend connection.”  Following the initial awkward meet-your-new-best-friend introduction and wonderings about ‘how will we break it to her if we don’t hit it off’, it was plain to see that She Who Knew Us Well had orchestrated a connection. I’m happy to proclaim decades later, I love her as much as I did after our first blind friend date!    

6. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. -Author Unknown

My brothers and sister have no children.  I have nieces and nephews by marriage,

and as grateful as I am for them, distance and time have kept us away from them for most of their growing years.  This makes my bonus niece and nephews that much more precious to me. I delight in their visits, hugs, notes and stories as much as I did with my own children. We earned the names Auntie and Uncle within two weeks of meeting, an easy transition because their mom became my sister just as quickly.  Sometimes, it boggles my mind how close we’ve all become within a short period of time. Surely, we were just separated at birth.  We are definitely brothers from another mother and sisters from another mister.  And this relationship we have with so many of our friends!

7. Best friends make the good times better and the hard times easier.

I went through a bit of a rough patch, once.  I was feeling very challenged by circumstances of life that were completely out of my control.  I sank into depression, having a hard time just doing routine, everyday things.  My friends rallied around me in ways I’ll never be able to repay.  My sister-friends, Truthteller, The Encourager and Faithfulness held my head, heart and hands with the gentleness and love of a mother.  To paraphrase words credited to Albert Einstein ‘my friends showed me everyday they know the song in my heart and were able to sing it back to me when I had forgotten the words.’  

8. Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.  Anais Nin

She Who Makes Me Think has opened up worlds of art, literature, writing, faith and service, hobbies and more which has, in turn, helped me to find more of myself.  And the blessing of it all is that I have multiple of these friends!  I love intellectual and spiritual pursuits so to be surrounded by women more intelligent, wise and lived than I could ever be, pushes me more toward excellence daily.  I write. I teach. I speak. I dream. I try. I serve. I love. I am MORE because of them.

9. Our time together is just never quite enough. -Owl City

As young girls, well into our teens, one of my first cousins and I would play and hang out together ALL DAY long.  Then we’d ask our mothers if we could spend the night with each other.  They couldn’t believe after so much time together we’d want more..  Now as an adult, I have friends that I could and have spent hours upon hours of my day(s) with and ‘t were it not for husbands, children and other grown-up responsibilities would have sat even longer over cups of coffee, plates of hors d'oeuvres or perusing shops, museums and the like.

10. Sometimes talking to your best friend is all the therapy you need.  -Unknown

We talk on most Tuesdays.  Standing appointment around 4:30 pm CST.  Sometimes, I get to be the therapist.  Sometimes She counsels me.  We are both lightened and enlightened by each conversation.  The only cost is an open-mind, undivided attention and a clear cellular connection!  Getting advice, talking through wonderings, hopes and concerns with my confidantes and counseling friends has saved me thousands of dollars through the years. I'm crazy and my best friends know and love this about me. They keep me steady and focused on the right thing. Mostly just by listening well.

11. If you live to be 100, I hope to live to be 100 minus 1 day so I never have to live without you. -Winnie the Pooh

I am one of the blessed few people on Earth who has been fortunate enough to have as one of my best friends the matriarch of a tribe of over 100 people.  As a small child, I prayed Pooh’s words in my own way.  I couldn’t and still cannot imagine a day without She Who Gives Life. Blessed I am to have innumerable women in my life that I cannot bear the thought of living without.

12. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.  -Jim Rohn

Anything worthwhile in me, I owe in large part to my friends.  If there are things in me that I need to change, well, I owe in large part to my friends.  All the things I love about myself, I see in my friends.  All the things I want to overcome in myself, it’s because I see what I can be in the examples of my friends.  My family is included here because they truly have been my first friends- my mommy, grandparents and siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, my husband and children.  If I average out to be half of who they are, then I’ll be better than I could ever have been without them.

Who Am I? Part 2

By:  Susan

 The dreaded questions.  First night of class, first day on the job, conversation at a dinner party.  A natural, normal question:  Where are you from?  But the answer for me is complicated.  Do you want to know where I was born?  Or do you want to know where I come from intellectually, where did I get my education and where my ideas were born?  Or do you want to know where I have left my heart, where my children were born and where I found my sisters?  Because the answers are three different places on three different continents.  To be factual, I have to answer the first one.  I was born in Iran.  No, not Iraq, I say quickly, as if one is better than the other and the list of preconceived notions any more positive.  But I quickly point out that I have been living in the United States since I was fifteen years old.  Except for about twelve years when I lived in Venezuela.  To be truthful, I have to say that I am from all or none of those places; I am “ethnically ambiguous”.  

I am an Iranian who holds on to the values of deep respect for my parents, high regards for excellence in education and hospitality.  I am an American who cherishes individual thoughts and creativity and questions everything.  I am an honorary Latina because it is the culture where I raised my children and invented a whole new family with strangers who have remained close to me despite distance and time.  It is also the culture that for me is a nice blend of my Eastern and Western influences.

What defines me is not my race, culture or ethnicity.  It is not what I do or where I was born.  It is not what I have or what I want to have.  It is the core of my character.  Truthfulness, kindness, justice and compassion are not determined by the accidents of our birth or the choices we made about jobs and careers but by conscious decisions we make every day to live better, a little bit at a time.

My children sometimes wonder who they are.  Are we American, Persian or Latinos, they ask.  I tell them they are children of the Kingdom; they are the product of the East meeting the West and creating a new race of men.  Hopefully they have inherited all the gifts and positive qualities these cultures have to offer but are not tainted by the prejudices and small mindedness of their ancestors on either side.

What I Stand (Up) For by Carolyn

What I Stand (Up) For

     Is there anything as moving as seeing former service men and women standing proudly at attention the moment they hear the first note of the song that represents their branch of service? The sight gives me chills every time I see it. One such moment occurred last November at our school's Veterans' Day celebration. Seeing their ramrod-straight spines, the looks of pride on their faces, and a few glints of tears in their eyes as they stood for their song, I began to think about what songs I stand up for.
     I have never been in the military, so I don't stand up for "The Wild Blue Yonder" or "The Halls of Montezuma" or "The Army Goes Rolling Along". I do, however, proudly stand up when I hear the first strains of the national anthem or "America the Beautiful".  I also rise and enthusiastically sing the words of "Texas, Our Texas" to show my pride in my great state. And, proud Aggie that I am, I will happily jump to my feet to sing along with "The Spirit of Aggieland". And, of course, I absolutely must link arms and sway along with my fellow Aggies as we belt out "The Aggie War Hymn". There is such a swell of pride in my heart when I hear any of those songs, because they are the embodiment of places I hold dear. There are also a few praise and worship songs that I stand up for when I hear them, because sometimes my soul won't allow me to sit and sing - I just need to stand up to worship God!
     Thinking about the songs I stand up for led me to think about how that represents ME. If I care about a song enough to stand up for it, surely that shows where my allegiance lies. That line of thought also carried me to consider how else I show what I stand for. I regularly wear two rings: one is a claddagh my older son gave me for Christmas a few years ago. The claddagh is a symbol of Ireland which speaks of loyalty, love, and friendship. I wear that ring as a symbol of my love for Ireland, as a representation of my Irish heritage, and as a link to my family. The other ring I wear regularly is my Aggie ring, which of course represents my affiliation with all of the former students of TAMU. Although I didn't get my Aggie ring until more than 30 years after my graduation (thanks, Robin), it is very important to me. The rings I wear represent part of who I am.
     I also realized that in our society, people often use bumper stickers to show their interests or affiliations. I have two bumper stickers: one says "Texas State University Mom" a gift I prize from my older son, a graduate of Texas State, and the other reads "Aggie Mom", which my younger son gave me as a surprise when he gained admittance to TAMU.  Those bumper stickers proudly proclaim my pride in both of my sons who have shown great perseverance in pursuing their degrees in spite of the difficulties they have faced.
     Considering how we outwardly show what we stand for has made me think about how we truly demonstrate our values in our daily lives. For instance, I've always been a little leery of posting a bumper sticker that boasts of my Christian beliefs for fear I would do something obnoxious while driving and reflect badly on God. Not that I am a particularly aggressive or reckless driver, but I do make my share of thoughtless mistakes behind the wheel that might offend another driver. I also know that quite often I see people, whether in real life or celebrities on TV, wearing a cross around their necks while behaving in ways that should mortify any God-fearing person. While I believe absolutely in the forgiveness of sin, I abhor the idea that we are free to purposely act badly because we have a merciful God. I don't ever want to bring shame on what I hold dear by my words or actions, so if I decide to wear a piece of jewelry, or stick on a bumper sticker, or stand up for a particular song, I must be sure that my life will promote, not detract from, what I outwardly proclaim.

Change

By Susan

Three years ago, out of the blue, I asked my friend Andrea if she wanted to train to run a 5K.  She said yes.  We bought an app for our phones to help with the training.  It was called Couch to 5K.  Very aptly named, because I for one have loved nothing more than sitting on a couch and reading for most of my life.  The way the program works you start out running for 60 seconds and walking for 90.  Gradually, over several weeks the run time is increased to 5, 10 and eventually 30 minutes.  The day we ran our first race will go down in my personal history as the day I overcame my battle with physical inertia.  The change happened so gradually, that I did not even notice it.  It was “little by little, day by day”.

And that’s how change happens.

I could not have done it without my running partner.  There is something about giving my word to someone other than myself that makes it sacred.  When the alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m.  I jump and put on my shoes (I sleep in as much of my running clothes as possible to save time) if I know Andrea is waiting for me.  But on days when I am on my own, the snooze button gets hit several times and eventually the alarm is just turned off.  Change is always easier when we have a partner; someone to encourage us, share the challenge with us and keep us to our words.

And that’s what we need to make change easier and more bearable, someone to walk the path with us.

 At the gate of the chemical plant where I worked for three years, there was a billboard with the number of days since the last accident.  Every day the number went up by one, was one day closer to our goal of running a safe plant.  But accidents did happen and the number would go back to zero.  Then our eyes were set on bettering our record.  Maybe this time we can go even longer than last time.

And that’s how we deal with setbacks. We re-start the counter and hope to beat our last record. 

I heard a story on the radio about a woman in her 100s that realized she had refused a new room at the nursing home where she lived, only because the other resident was an African-American woman.  Shocked by her own feelings, she began consciously working on becoming friends with the other woman and was there  by her side when she passed away.

Change is an inevitable part of life.  The day we stop changing is the day we are done with this life.  Maybe the word I am looking for is not change but growth.  It is never too late to grow.  And growth is not necessarily measured by whether we reach a final destination or not.  It happens gradually, imperceptibly along the path.  What’s needed is a willingness to reflect often, a desire to try again tomorrow and a faith in God’s mercy and protection.

Exploring Grace by Andrea

Utter the word grace and all kinds of associations and images come to mind.

Grace Kelly, Grace Jones,

God’s grace, in someone’s good graces

saving grace, fall from grace,

grace the stage, grace period  

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…

    Grace is my one word for 2015.  Long before it was a trending thing to do, I have made a practice of choosing a word, or three, to be my anchor for growth and development in the new year.  I examine my journal entries to look for the paths upon which God and life have been trying to lead me. I search for themes in my epiphanies, angsts and questions.  I spend much time in prayer, meditation, and reflection to find the quality on which I need to focus.  This process led me to grace.  

           

   My aim is to become a guide to grace- recognizing it, extending it and receiving it.    

Recognizing Grace

   Something hit me not too long ago.  When I look at my face, I see only my mother.  There is no distinct part of me that is not mirrored in her.  I see facial expressions, skin tone, contours of her features in mine. I believe this is an act of grace from God.  You see, I have never known my father.  He chose to leave my life when I was an infant. I've never seen a picture of him or ever met any of his family members. Though I have made peace with his absence in my life and truly harbor no ill will or thought, I think it would have sickened my curious, need-to-see-the-connections kind of heart to look into the mirror everyday and see unfamiliar, untraceable features in myself.

   Grace abounds, but I don't always recognize it.  Most often, it is not until later that I see God’s or someone else’s act of grace in my life.  But the fact is when I’m looking for evidence of something, I always find it.  You’ll see whatever it is you’re looking for and the more I recognize grace in my own life, the more I am able to extend it to others.

Extending Grace

    I am a teacher.  I used to teach really little kids and now I teach bigger kids; kids who are a little more set in their ways.  Kids who have much more of the personality and mindset they will as adults. With really little kids, it is so much easier to extend grace.  They are new here.  Though I held high expectations, I knew they were learning daily how to be the human beings they were put here to be.  I  found much joy and purpose in extending grace to little people. And they would respond quickly, happily and thrive because of it.  Sometimes this is not the case with bigger kids. Oh yes, they need grace, but they do not always see the need or appreciate the extension.

 Nonetheless, they still thrive in it when it is given freely and frequently.  My motto is gentle pressure applied relentlessly to help kids move beyond the sometimes jaded perspective they can have toward all the things we grown-ups try to instill in them.  

  Sometimes, big kids can have bad attitudes, put in less than their best effort.  Let’s face it, some have bought into the cultural lie that school is a place to dread despite the fact that this doesn’t match their daily experience.  I didn’t know this about big kids.  Little kids are not that way.  They have great attitudes for the most part.  They believe they can change the world and learn anything because we applaud everything they do because they are new here.  Not so with bigger kids.  Some become jaded because they have been told that something they’ve done isn’t right or good enough.  They get told to try harder rather than being shown how to.  Let’s face it, they are still new here, too.  They need us to extend love, kindness, mercy, compassion and find favor in them.  They need grace.  

   The truth is we all do.  I always, always, always say that grown-ups are just like kids, only taller. Deep down, we all have the same core needs and we express those needs in so many of the same ways we did as children. We fight, flee or freeze.   Big, small and all in between need grace like they need love because grace is simply an action of love.  This is how we can change our weaknesses to strength.  Maybe the more grace we extend the better we will get at recognizing our need for and increase our capacity to receive grace.

Receiving Grace

How many of us are gifted at giving but terrible at receiving?  I will be the first to admit it.  I know I need grace from people, but  sometimes I hate that I need it.  For instance, my husband is probably the most gracious man I will ever know.  Daily, without fail, he exemplifies the disposition to benefit or serve others with me and our children.  For the past few weeks, I have been abnormally fatigued.  I fall asleep the way one would accidentally fall down- without warning and hard.  Though he has always been an equal participant in the management of our household,  he has had to manage just about everything lately: meals, cleaning, laundry (washing, folding and putting away), the bills, the kids’ stuff and whatever else I have left undone.   

        In 22 years, he has never complained once about taking care of me.  He fills in every gap I leave open.  He rescues me all of the time.  I start something.  He finishes it.  I dream up something.  He makes it happen.  He is reliable.  He forgives easily.  He overlooks my faults.  He gives without reservation.  

       Sometimes, I push back on this.  I used to call it independence.  Really though, it is an inability to receive grace, also known as pride (not the good kind).  I have gotten a lot better through the years.  He has told me so.  But as with most of life, I am still in progress.  I love to serve and give to people.  I believe this is a major part of why I am here.  Consequently, in order to do this well I have to continuously grow in the three aspects of gracious living I am exploring. Part of growing in grace for me has to be welcoming grace inwardly and with humility.  In doing this, I bet I will grow in recognizing and extending it to others.

Changing Grace

The more I explore, the more I am convinced that grace isn’t always all roses and rainbows.  A proverb states: As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another.  This too is grace. Sometimes sparks may fly as we do things that benefit and serve others. Sometimes grace is speaking the truth in love to help people change a behavior or character issue as they travel on the road to being the best version of themselves.  Sometimes grace is letting someone make mistakes so they can learn and develop convictions of their own as you admonish and encourage. Sometimes grace is saying or doing nothing at all and letting people find their own strength.  

Every time, however, grace is giving others and ourselves what is needed, when it is needed. Grace must be thoughtful, genuine and intentional.  It calls for our hearts and eyes to be wide open- to know and see what to give and when.  The more we recognize acts of and the need for grace, the more we should be able to extend it. And extending grace changes us, moving us into a better state to receive it.

-Andrea

I do not understand the mystery of grace- only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.- Anne Lamott